


You and Me and Everyone We Know

by HomesickAlien



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Slow Burn, is it an AU if canon proved all my HCs wrong in one fell swoop this event or ... whatever, long fic about first year/second year shunazu basically thats all it is
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-23 15:05:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13790253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HomesickAlien/pseuds/HomesickAlien
Summary: It’s just a matter of time before you leave or I’ll make you wish you had.





	1. Nazuna Nito's First Communion

**Author's Note:**

> Over a year ago, now, I was listening to the song I Wanna Get Better by the Bleachers after drinking two or three beers and, for some reason, I really wanted to write about Shuu and Nazuna meeting for the first time and kissing. Only one of those things actually happened.  
> And maybe two months later I looked back at this unpublished draft and went, "Hey! There's potential in this! I should expand on that!" Back then, there was no 1st year shnz gacha to satiate my burning desire to know what Shuu and Nazuna's relationship started out as. But I really liked 1st yr Valkyrie, even though it didn't even exist.  
> Eventually 1k words become 40k words and here we are today. Finally, finally publishing this monstrosity I've conjured up. Most of it doesn't even line up with canon anymore because I took so long, but hey... That's the point of fanfiction, right? Even Akira is retconning his own stupid stories... So I will, too!  
> I hope it's good. I had to post it tonight because if I read the event story I'd wanna change more of what I wrote, and then it'd be another year and... Ah, what a hassle!  
> That's all there is to it, really!! Please enjoy it...
> 
> UPDATE: hi !!! i didn't forget about this!!! I know it's been a whole year, but....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, a lot of things happened and I didn't like the fic anymore and quit updating under the influence of "it bad," but my buddy read the whole thing in one night and hounded me to finish posting it because he loved it so much so I gave in to his will as my soul mate and partner in crime so please thank him that you can read the rest if you ever wanted to!! i'll clean up a chapter everyday and post them so... There's that for you lol ((It was done this whole time.... Excuse me.....))

He doesn’t know what they are.

He doesn’t know, really, who Itsuki Shu is. A weird guy, maybe, but wrapped up in such a lovely suit and tie, surrounded by a pompous looking family with at least a few more dollars than he’s saved to spare… Can people like that really be this weird? They probably can, after paying everyone in town to forget that they are that weird, but he guesses Shuu was excluded from that deal. The way everyone stared at him that day, his family must have forgotten all about him.

He didn’t know if they would ever come back, that they were devout people who genuinely believed the weird things their preacher said. Nito doesn’t even believe them, really, he just likes to sing. It was mere happenstance that he sang a solo, that day. After all, he doesn’t much like to stand out, and he certainly wasn’t fond of the screech that followed when he began his song.

He doesn’t know what makes a good song, a good voice, or anything like that. People tell him he has a good voice, but it comes out like pity, to him. The glass is always half empty, for Nito Nazuna, never full. Mayhaps he’s a tad too pessimistic, he won’t deny it, but as long as they’re singing for the Lord, it’s not like he much cares, if the voice is good or bad. So it catches him off guard, the screams of the well-off, and already eyebrow raising, Itsuki Shuu.

“ _ Tres bien! _ "

He doesn’t know what the hell that means. He knows it’s inappropriate to point, and rude to shout idly in the house of the Lord. Nito’s quiet, so it’s easy for him to blend into those social standards whether he believes in them or not. This weird Itsuki, on the other hand, is quite boisterous, and incapable of reading the room. It’s as though in his mind they’re the only two people in this world. No, in the entire Universe.

“You! You are perf--  _ Ow. _ ”

He doesn’t know what it’s like to die, but he feels like he’s experienced it first hand from embarrassment, today. The one next to Shuu, the one he presumes is his mother, grabs him by the ear, yanking him out the door. He’s certain she did it in good heart, to salvage their family name, but she’s no better or worse than Shuu, really. Actually, Nito thinks, she’s louder. Much louder, when she scolds him. It’s then they realize how thin the walls here are, and everyone is laughing at the act, like he were in some kind of drama without realizing.

He doesn’t know why, but he’s laughing, too. 

 

“It’s Nito. Nito Nazuna.”

At this very moment, it would be respectful to say something like ‘It’s nice to meet you,’ but liars go to hell, after all.

But there’s no regret in his heart, sneaking away after his song ended to sit on the stairwell beside Shuu. He wonders if his parents will be mad at him; church has always been more of a pastime than a necessity, at least prior to him joining choir. In truth, it’s Shuu’s mother that has him shaking a little, her glare still eerily present in his mind, even when the two are alone. 

“Your name is perfect, too.”

Nazuna wonders if he’s exaggerating when he says such odd things. The way he speaks is so casual despite the dramatic nature of his words, which are difficult to really understand. He doesn’t even take the time to introduce himself, like he expects Nazuna to know it already.

He does, but that’s besides the point.

“It’s a weird name.”

“That’s what makes it perfect.”

Nazuna rolls his eyes a little, but it’s lighthearted at best. He’s still blushing, a little, but to his surprise, talking to Shuu is really easy. Natural, almost, if Shuu could say something normal, but otherwise it’s simple, like dewdrops born on grass in the morning.

If you told him this friendship would shatter over a lack of communication now, he’d find it hard to believe, but it’s just another thing to add to the growing list of things he doesn’t know.

“Not that I care that much, or anything,” He prefaces, pushing his hair behind his ears. It’s so long, such a hassle, and without asking Shuu’s already taken to running his hands through it, too. It’s not endearment, Shuu has the look of a judge, like he’s trying to garner something out of every aspect of Nito. “But why am _ I _ perfect?”

It doesn’t seem like Shuu has an answer for that, mind distracted by Nito’s hair with his voice lost in the wind. It’s aggravating, that he’d so carelessly throw out insincere words like that, and his response serves only to worsen the blow.

“Because you are?”

Nazuna wants to be mad, like he’s being lead astray as a homeless puppy being thrown table scraps, but he’s laughing again. He isn’t entirely sure, who Itsuki Shuu is, sensational would be one word for it. Insane would be more accurate.

He’d really like to stay, like that, but…

“I should probably go back in, befo–”

Shuu grabs onto his sleeve, almost bashfully despite his loudmouthed nature, and Nazuna stays without needing know why. Without needing a reason to be there, he feels for the first time he has a purpose in life. He wonders if God intended for that, or if they’re just that lucky to have met at all.

Don’t tell him how, later down the line, this same person will take that purpose away from him without meaning to. That’s how fragile, how futile love is. Firsts are façades for the futures they bear.

“No, there’s something important I’d like to discuss with you, if I may.”

 

They decide to take it outside, because church will dismiss soon, and they’d (shockingly,) rather not be in the way. It’s nicer out there, anyway. The sky is clear, wind light and crisp, the leaves are just turning, just falling, as they walk. Sometimes, they catch in Nito’s hair, and they’re both smiling at that.

It’s strange, as though they’ve always been friends, and have just been waiting to meet each other. Or that they were partners in a past life or something, it seems there must be some kind of divine power behind how easy they hit things off. Nito’s never been good at speaking, but words are just coming to him while they wander the desolate landscape surrounding this worn building. It’s like talking to family you haven’t seen in years, Nito just feels like he’s catching up when he tells Shuu how he’s been.

Even the weight of Shuu’s request for him seems to drop off when Shuu speaks.

“Have you ever considered using your voice for something more than this little Church?”

“No. Should I be?”

Shuu seems appalled at his response, like he were being spat on and insulted when it’s Nazuna’s voice they’re talking about. He finds Shuu is often like that, taking attacks on others he holds dear no different as attacks on himself. But he must have forgotten this is Nazuna talking about Nazuna, when he calls him out on such a response.

“Bien sûr!  _ Yes, _ of course you should be!” 

Nazuna doesn’t really mean to, but he’s rolling his eyes again. Shuu has that kind of power over him, enough to have him smile without being a headache. Sometimes, even now, he wonders if he’s in some kind of bad romcom or something. 

“Alright, alright. What do you recommend,  _ mentor _ ?”

At the time, that name were just a joke, really. Shuu only acts smart enough to be a teacher, he isn’t really so good at it. Still, he seems to take immediate pride in it, beaming when Nazuna refers to him so endearingly. He wonders, if this person has ever had a friend like that, at all.

Not that Nito has, either, anyway.

“Have you heard of Yumenosaki? A school for idols. You are perfect, after all, for that role.”

_ An idol, huh? _ He hadn’t even considered the thought in the past, but his answer is immediate.

“No.”

“No?”

“Absolutely not.”

 

That should have been the end of things. 

Like, really, what more was there to say? He wishes that Shuu felt the same, but he hasn’t stopped pestering Nito since that day. He’s no worse than a stalker, honestly, cornering him at every turn to ask that same question, again and again.  _ Have you changed your mind, yet? _

He hasn’t.

Still, he has to admit, everything’s quieter, lonelier, without Shuu. He’s been rather consistent about coming to the church building early to see Shuu, so when he doesn’t show it does sink his heart a bit. He stares at the ceiling for such a long time, even tuning out the words of service, just to imagine God might answer him if he focuses hard enough on his thoughts to pray. _ I’m not wrong, am I? _

God never answers back, but the familiar chanting of hymns seems to settle his mind a bit. He’s only here to kill time, after all. How is being an idol any different? They’re all pretty insignificant humans, all headed for the same dreary fate. Nito hasn’t a clue what more he could do with his life– If he could actually make people smile with his voice, maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. 

And, truth be told, just the idea of having a friend is a warm feeling Nito’s never felt before. People are all equally terrible, but Shuu isn’t anything like a normal person. He’s like an angel, in a way, gifted in ways normal people aren’t. Capable of things normal people aren’t. 

Even if it’s just for the time being, Nito doesn’t have any real qualms with it. Being an idol, that is. Perhaps, even Shuu might lighten up some if he hears Nito’s acceptance, but that is…

Nito closes his eyes, a soft smile warming up to his face. Even if he’s only talking to himself, he feels a sense of comfort from receiving God’s silent answer creep into his mind. He knows better, he knows best even, that this odd Itsuki Shuu would never change, and that’s invigorating in it’s own way. 

_ My very first friend… _ When he reasons it like that, being an idol for his friend, it feels like just the right thing to do.


	2. Teens of Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first few chapters are pretty short.  
> I wrote the very last part of this after the shnz first year gacha, I think you can really tell because it's so snarky. Although, I've always known Nazuna was snarky, that gacha sure was... A trip. It's one of the only scenes I started writing this year, most of this stuff really is from April-ish 2017? Maybe. I just kept editing it and moving stuff around until it became this big long fic lol It's more like vaguely one-shots that kind of go together? Shrugs.  
> Anyway. I had a lot of HCs for why Nazuna calls Shuu Mentor or where Valkyrie came from... The latter is next chapter so I'll discuss that then but honestly the explanation of "oshisan" is so WEAK!!!! fight me akira don't tell me it was just a fumble of words !!!! thats !!!! dumb !!!!! I mean it's still cute but I was really hoping for something more...  
> Oh well. I reiterate, that's the purpose of fanfiction after all... Please enjoy.

Well, he’d thought all his problems would fade away, when he said yes to being an idol, but Shuu’s never at a lack of annoyances.

“Of course, Nito will join my unit, right?”

At this point, it’s just an idea, their unit doesn’t have a name or anything. The school year hasn’t even started, yet Shuu is bold enough to proclaim they’ll be forming their own unit. Shouldn’t they follow the lead of their seniors, or something? He’s even an idea for stages, and songs, though they’re just ideas at this point. While they’re relaxing on the park bench, he’s sewing outfits Nazuna presumes will be their uniforms on the stage. 

“No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean there’s no chance in hell I’d associate with a weirdo like you.”

He’s teasing, because he’s given up on trying to reason with Shuu, but he really isn’t so sure about this plan. It seems like a great pathway paved with failure, but there’s no dissuading Shuu when he sets his mind to something. It’s both his most admirable and most frightening trait.

“It’s fine, because either way I’ll call your name down the hall, you know?”

He’s terribly smug, terribly bold to say something like that so loudly. What’s worse is Nito is well aware of the honesty behind his words, his hunt is relentless from morning, to afternoon, to night.  _ Nito _ ! He’ll holler,  _ Nito, Nito, Nito! _ It’s a serenade he can’t stand to get used to, not even in their senior year could he stand how slimey Shuu’s love feels.

Love is a strong word, but it’s the only one Nito can think of when he thinks of Shuu. Not that he loves Shuu, or that Shuu loves him; it’s simply the only emotion powerful enough to express the weight of their relationship. Hate might be more accurate, but someday he’ll come to hate the word hate, the wedge it drives between them.

That’s someday, not today. Today, he does hate Itsuki Shuu, because he’s kept him up to the early hours of the morning and expects him to rise before the sun just as diligently. Today, he hates Itsuki Shuu, for pestering Nito to the point they’ve both fooled themselves into believing they’re actually friends. Today, he hates Itsuki Shuu so much he commits the ultimate sin, setting the first domino and waiting years for it to topple over.

 

Nito is so much more tired as a High Schooler than he had anticipated himself to be, here at this Yumenosaki Academy Shuu’s dragged him to.

As to be expected of him, though he had little knowledge of being an idol, he’d passed the entrance exams without much trouble. As far as catching up goes, he seems to be getting by well enough in class with or without Shuu’s thoughtful guidance. And though they’re still without a name, their roll together as partners hasn’t yet been denied.

No, if anything, it’s rather average fair here, it seems he’d been misled by Shuu to think there were any stakes at all in this. It seems he has little to fear about not being good enough as an idol, rather, he could stop trying entirely from this point on and it seems that would be more or less expected and dismissed. 

It’s odd to him that a school so prestigious would have such low standards after the first hurdle of being accepted. He initially thinks to tell his parents, _ stop wasting your money, I’ve been misled, _ but Shuu is so earnest the thought of withdrawing now feels, in its own way, offensive. He’s so passionate about his project, it’s almost depressing to watch. Like telling a child the woes of the real world, nothing at all seems to concern Shuu about the possibility he’s made the wrong choice in choosing this school to dive into his journey to expressing his art. 

Rather, Shuu acknowledges it, and simply doesn’t care.

“My parents are furious with me.”

He says, though not with any shame. It almost sounds like he’d expected as much, or that he’s stating the obvious only for Nito’s sake. Which is fine, in Nito’s eyes, it’s just about the first and last time he’ll ever so straightforwardly express the sentiments of his family to him. 

“Mine too.”

Furious isn’t really the word Nito would use, though. His parents aren’t really mad, or disappointed, or even ashamed of him at all. It’s more like they’re curious at his choices, but aren’t going to tell him the answer to his puzzle, or whether he’s making the right decision or not. They’ve always been that way with him, letting him live his life freely only up until the point he might fall. He hadn’t really been grateful enough for just how much freedom he’s been allotted in life at all, not until meeting Shuu, at least.

“It’s better like this, isn’t it. It’s best for us to have something to strive for. Although, I had already known from the start what I’ve wanted.”

“You knew before we even met, huh? What bad luck for me, is that it...”

“Don’t be so pessimistic, my dearest Nito. I assure you, from our very first stage as one you will feel the same desires as are abundant in my heart.”

“Do you really have to say it in such a complicated way…”

Nito criticizes Shuu, but he doesn’t really mind it. It’s fascinating someone like him exists in such a modernized world. To Nito, he feels like he’s being taken back to much simpler times, even if the language is excessive, the past feels comfortably easy compared to the world they’re currently living in. Everything in their modern life feels like it’s flying by him at the speed of light, it’s pretty tiring to keep up with. 

Shuu acts obtuse, but he’s really quite simple to understand. 

“Yes, it is quite sickening how poor the filth of the masses speak, isn’t it? They’re so carefree, but I am striving for greatness of the level of God, Himself, you see.”

“Weirdo,” Nito says, adjusting his bag over his shoulder. “You’re such a weirdo, how wretched God is to have made my soulmate such a weirdo.”

“Come now, if you’re going to spite me like that at least quote me properly.”

Shuu laughs awkwardly in an attempt to save face, but it’s practically the same as what he really did say to Nito the first day they’d walked to school together. Who falls so passionately in love with someone they’ve just met such a short time ago? Shuu is such a child, such a girl, to believe in things like love at first sight and destiny and the likes. Nito heaves another sigh at the thought, like he’s not the one who’s been toyed with like a girl for his superficial features, he’d never once considered these kinds of ephemeral things at all.

“Right, right. A soul in two bodies or something like that, right…?”

“That’s right, you and I certainly share a spiritual connection unmatched by any other.”

“So… Soulmates, then.”

Nito teases him, but it surprisingly doesn’t bother Shuu too much. As opposed to most other things, the concept of direct love, as it were, is impressively unappealing to Itsuki Shuu.

“It sounds so vulgar when you put it that way. It’s not a connection of love, but artistry, Nito.”

“I sing for God a couple times a week. I’m not an artist.”

“Not yet, not yet. But you will be, Nito. Therefor, whether you like it or not, we have been bound by this beautiful flow of artistic fate to become the greatest partners of all.”

Nito sighs, nodding his head, just going along with the flow of Shuu’s whims until he quiets down some. He supposes he’s pleased with this, it’s more forward moving than singing at Church, but is this really how he wishes to spend the rest of his life? The more he reflects on it, the more he thinks he hasn’t really formally trained for this kind of life of performing, and even if he had it’s not a career that goes far. He hasn’t even yet hit puberty, he wonders how well his voice will survive that shift in sound that’s certainly coming for him eventually.

“I really like singing, you know, Itsuki? But I’m not sure I…”

“Non, non, please don’t call me that. Call me like you did before!”

“Ahh…” Nito looks up at the sky, genuinely lost for what Shuu is referring to, “Like… I did before?”

“When you called me ‘Mentor,’ I like that!”

“I… Was making fun of you, you know?”

“That is impossible, but even assuming that were the case, I would prefer you continue referring to me by that title.”

Nito stares blankly at Shuu, stopping in his tracks at the gates to their school just to take in the presence of Itsuki Shuu’s willful ignorance. Yet it seems, no matter how long Nito furrows his brows at Shuu, the boy is too dense for it to phase him at all. He’s smiling expectantly, waiting for Nito to correct himself and call Shuu with his adoring nickname, but…

“You’re a real dumbass, huh?”

Nito says, without even a hint of hesitation.

“P… Please don’t say something crude like that?!”

“Damn, I forgot what I was even saying…” Nito steps forward again, feeling as though all their casual chatter is just going to make them late if they wait around any longer. “Well, whatever, don’t cause any trouble today, idiot Mentor~”

“You’re having fun with this, aren’t you?”

Nito merrily walks just a few steps ahead of Shuu to keep his smile entirely to himself. Shuu will have to work a lot harder to see something so precious as Nito’s smile in his lifetime. Though it surprises Nito, if only a little bit, that he does enjoy spending his free time with Shuu. Not so much tormenting him as with today, but simply talking to Shuu has an overwhelmingly calming effect on Nito’s antisocial behavior. Not that he has any desire to make more than one friend, but one friend is certainly a start.


	3. Everyday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, my version of Shuu&Nazuna meeting and naming Valkyrie is really boring compared to canon. I still like mine, because I am also a church boy, but you know... Shuu jumping out a window to see Nazuna is really good too. I'm grateful. I didn't really have a reason for the name Valkyrie, but I'm not really sure Nazuna did either. Picking Valkyrie to describe weirdo Shuu... There were certainly better mythological creatures you could have shot for, Nazuna. Leviathan is the one I'd pick if you're curious. Maybe not the catchiest name for an idol boy unit, Though...  
> Anyway, enjoy this.

“Valkyrie...” Nito says, pondering absentmindedly as he taps his finger on the desk, “Would be a cool name.”

Shuu smiles, like the sun rising up in the sky, which helps ease the sleep out of Nito’s eyes. Shuu keeps him on his toes, it’s impossible to relax in his presence at all, so this is how they compensate. Warming each other peacefully with smiles. Nito doesn’t return it, today, though. He rarely simply returns smiles, Shuu works hard to see it, and he prefers it that way.

“You think so, too?”

He looks up at Nito. Shuu’s never brought up the name to him, it’s their collective consciousness that brings them together. It doesn’t strengthen Nito’s beliefs, only serves to make them more strained, to see how simple of people they can be. If Nito keeps denying it, keeps saying it was unintentional, he can almost swallow agreeing with Shuu.

It is fitting, but Nito doesn’t like to think about it.

 _Mmhmm,_ he hums, “Even though we aren’t _women_ ,” He emphasises that last bit as he taps his foot uncomfortable waiting on Shuu. He was only modeling for him, some cute little dress he wore only because it’s just the two of them, but Shuu’s obsessed with tweaking the minor details. Nito doesn’t know a thing about it. Shuu’s just killing time, because Nito’s cute, but it’s surely going to drive him insane, too.

Nito’s not a girl, though he sounds, looks, and feels like one. Nito is not a girl.

“Even though we’re boys, I think it’s a good name. But I wonder if it’s okay…”

For the first time in his life, Nazuna feels selfish over these words. It seems whenever they’re together, he’s running in circles, eating his own tail. He’s only good at acting, nothing about him seems to be at all distinct. And for now, he is doing his best, for Shuu. Not out of pity, or out of love, but because it just seems like the right thing to do right now.

When he meets Shuu’s eyes, he realizes how insignificant he truly is. Even if he eats these selfish words, saying over and over again: I’m a boy. I’m a boy. I’m a boy. Shuu will never hear it. This won’t be the first time Shuu convinces Nito to wear a dress, but in Shuu’s eyes is something terrifying and mysterious that Nito can’t understand.

He looks like he’s longing for something, or perhaps that he’s nostalgic. It’s like tapping someone’s shoulder from behind only to realize they’re a stranger when they turn around. Embarrassing, without any effort on Shuu’s part at all, Nito feels flushed. What does Shuu see in him, he wonders.

“For us to decide who lives and dies…”

The floor seems so much more attractive. Shuu is suffocating him, and yet they’ve only just met. It would be troublesome to start a ruckus in their first days at school, but Nito just wants to run away from it all. Would Shuu chase after him if he did? What kind of person is Shuu? He doesn’t know at all, this strange boy. This odd boy. How many days have past since they met in that rustic church down the street of Nito’s home?

“It’s… Fitting.” There’s a long pause before he looks back at Shuu. “We should dance.”

 

Nito didn’t think he would, but he loves being an idol.

Or he likes singing, and dancing, and stuff. He doesn’t really like the aspect of being an “idol,” to people, being a product, but that’s exactly what they are. It’s almost offensive how hard Shuu tries to be just the opposite, an “artist.” They hardly break the mold at all, they’re just awkward kids in over their heads.

Shuu is mostly a control freak about his work, because their shows are Itsuki’s point of view, which doesn’t care about anyone else’s point of view. But Nito likes to help, even if helping is just being in the vicinity when Shuu stages things. In Shuu’s arms, twirling around and around without really knowing why he’s doing what he’s doing, that’s just what they call art. Doing things that feel like mistakes, yet are so staged they come off as uncanny, is what Valkyrie will soon be known for.

But it isn’t Nito’s point of view. Nito’s point of view is as simple as this time they live in, before ‘Valkyrie,’ formally exists. Dancing together with Shuu, he feels like his lover. Observing only the most obvious, simple things, about how Shuu smells, how he looks, and how he feels. His palms are always sweaty, and his skin is very smooth. They share the latter trait, but Shuu seems a lot more masculine than Nito does with his doll-like features. If he had to compare them, Nito would be porcelain, and Shuu would be clay.

Nito doesn’t miss this, doesn’t miss the casual nature of their partnership prior to ‘Valkyrie.’ In fact, he doesn’t even really miss the innocence they had in those times, prior to coming face to face with the Devil in Hell. It’s nostalgic, and that’s what makes it precious. Returning to that would be giving up all the growth they’ve made since.

But just for a single moment, a single millisecond in this life that won’t last much longer…

“Mentor,” Nito says, taking his first real breath in some time since they started dancing. Even if it’s casual, the focus Nito spends on getting every move right for Shuu is exhausting. Shuu is the one who called Nito perfect, so it should be effortless to please him, but it’s not at all like that. Everything Nito’s done since joining Yumenosaki has been calculated to the millisecond, he can’t stand it.

“Mentor, are you happy?”

Dancing is an exercise in humanity. The way people move reveals everything about them, Nito had dismissed body language prior to becoming an idol, but now he thinks about it constantly. The audience can tell when their idols are uninterested, when they’re tired and need to rest. They can never reveal those negatives freely, and so this is how they practice.

“Naturally.” Shuu says, without missing a beat, “I have everything I’ve ever desired and more. Vie est parfait.”

Shuu looks warmly down at Nito, and that is his first mistake.

“Parfait… No, that aside, I–”

“And what about you? Are you happy?”

Nito is taken aback, even though it’s the obvious response, he’s uncertain of what to say. To lie to the public means you must know for certain how you feel in the first place. Otherwise, one eventually loses themselves in the lie, and Nito is already uncertain he hasn’t committed that very sin, yet. Well, if he has, there’s no reason not to further it, he supposes.

“If I’m perfect, I must have nothing to fear. I’m not merely content with this life, no… I’m grateful. I’m grateful to… Be on stage, and to please people.”

That last bit had been tacked on so half-heartedly, he worried Shuu might call him out for it. But it seems Shuu is just as pleased to be here, in Nito’s arms, as Nito is to be in his. It’s his greatest shortcoming, Nito can’t say it with the utmost certainty, since he’s never really had any friends, but when he looks in Shuu’s eyes, it’s like he’s watching someone fall in love for the very first time. That is the prison Shuu has subjected himself to, and what keeps him from truly being a mentor to Nito. They have no one to blame for their failures but themselves.

“Yes, that’s right.” Shuu stops in his tracks, taking his hands to raise Nito’s chin. Nito hates that kind of pressure being thrusted upon him, but it’s nice to see Shuu’s face glimmer with such an innocent kindness. Nito smiles, as well, just as an idol should. “Tu es parfaite. Tout à fait… Tout à fait…”

Nito doesn’t care what Shu’s saying, anymore. Just that he’s passed the test.

 

“Oh, Nito…  happy birthday.”

Shu says, just as Nito’s one foot out the door. He steps back, looking over his shoulder at Shuu, who’s bashfully looking the other way, towards the window as though there were anything to see. He often keeps the blinds shut, partially for an aesthetic need and partially from the embarrassment that comes with being alone. If Nito had any complaints, they’d fallen off remembering just how lonely the two of them are.

Nobody’s ever wished him a happy birthday, aside from his family. It’s a new feeling, he’s not sure he can get used to, but he’s forced to sooner than he can account for it.

“How’d you know?”

Shuu doesn’t respond after that; that’s simply his pride keeping face. Nito already has an idea, it’s probably somewhere on these papers Shuu’s endlessly been filling out to form their unit. Their ‘Valkyrie.’ Even now, it’s a nice name to say.

Nito shuts the door, leaving Shuu to the silence of the darkness he circumscribes himself to. Shuu will spend an excess of time in this room, contemplating everything there is to know about humanity and coming out with nothing to show for it. He’ll fiddle with clothes that aren’t good enough for Nito until the sun begins to set, skipping the last of his classes until something at least passable comes to him. Nito will scold him later for being a troublemaker so early in the school year, he’s sure, but somehow, despite its imperfections, the feeling of this outfit is worth it.

By the time he’s finished, they really are the last two people in the universe, the only people who care so much as to work after the school day ends. And at home, and in the morning before school starts, and… Nito opens up the door with a hefty sigh, as this is beginning to become a routine for them, but today it will be special. When the two meet eyes, Shuu smiles like he were seeing his husband walk in from a long day at work.

They won’t say anything, because they’re terrible conversationalist, Shuu will simply praise Nito like he’d done the impossible walking outside. Walking home. Today will be different from the past, a stepping stone into the future, and Shuu will stay just long enough with Nito to painfully emphasize his social ineptitude. He’ll stay just long enough for Nito to believe they could really be friends, but…

“Happy birthday, Nito.”

Shuu says, on the porch of Nito’s house he’s barely welcomed into. He rests some awfully complex looking thing in his hands. Nito thinks they’re clothes but whether or not he’ll ever figure out how to put it on is yet to be seen. His eyes are blank, but there’s something about Nito’s odd expressions Shuu takes comfort in. If he never says thanks, this would be the second best outcome, he thinks.

“It’s just an idea. For Valkyrie, that is. We needed a unit outfit, but…” Shuu trails off. Actually, Nito probably just stops listening, but it’s something they’d talked about before. He’s still stuck on this, this gift. It’s not something he’ll ever get used to, this level of admiration Shuu extrudes on him.

If this is how Shuu spends the rest of his life, Nito would feel very sorry for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's 2 great notes from my original doc that are very worth sharing:  
> (regarding the parfait thing..) "can y'all motherfuckers believe parfait is french for perfect? i thought it was just a dessert wjat the fucK"  
> (regarding the happy birthday thing) "remember that lin e in No. 6 where the girl is like I WANT UR SPERM also happy birthday " thats shu"
> 
> another thing that might help since i pretty much never mention it again... about nazuna talking about being a boy and all, i had a really big HC about shuu being attracted to nazuna bc nazuna reminds him of kuros mom. i brought this up in my shmk fic too... but i never really felt like going into detail with that. i just like this part a lot.


	4. I Like You

Celebrations aren’t something either of them are particularly used to, but it felt like the right thing to do after finally going on a real stage together. Not that they have friends to do that with, and their parents are only half as proud of them as they are of themselves. Nito’s parents are nicer, and his house is quieter, so they stay there for the night.

Live shows are incredibly draining. Even though it was just a small stage, Nito’s ears are still ringing from all the noise. He really is just a small little animal. These things Shuu’s dragged him into are all so troublesome, just like Shuu himself.

But, he hopes with all the effort they put in, they’ve made a lasting impression on people.

“Nito.”

Shuu towers over Nito when he’s laying on the floor. Nito’s been keeping his rabbit company, there; he hasn’t had time to see his pet all that much since becoming an ‘idol.’ Shuu hands Nito a drink before sitting down with him.

“You can call me by my first name, you know? We’re not really strangers.”

Shuu kindly pretends he didn’t hear those words. Honestly, Nito himself does the same as soon as the words leave his mouth. Sure, they’re about as close to being ‘friends,’ as one gets with Shuu, but they still don’t know all that much about one another. They know more about each others bodies than personalities. Nito is quiet and Shuu is an enigma.

“ _Nito_ is more like you, yes?”

“Yes. And _Mentor_ is more like you.”

Shuu smiles, which isn’t an infrequent occurrence since meeting Nito, however something about this one time feels much more genuine than the rest. He tousles Nito’s hair a bit, like he were a doll being toyed with, and begins to speak again.

“You are absolutely perfect, Nito. No, no. Don’t speak. That’s what makes you such a precious thing, you see? More than Angels and Devils, you and I were born to meet one another, don’t you think?”

For the first time in Nito’s life, he doesn’t have anything to say at all.

Shuu presses his forehead to Nito’s, and there’s a content harmony in their steady breathing. That’s how they remain for some time, until it seems as though they might fall asleep together that way. Unsightly, on a messy carpeted floor, that’s only comfortable because it’s the two of them. Lonely, but together as one. That’s the problem, really, even when they’re at each other’s side, they’re never really together. They’re never really…

Nito’s rabbit nestles itself between their bodies, curiously bapping about Nito’s chest. Nito opens his eyes slowly, as the warmth of Shuu’s touch slides away from Nito’s head to the floor. It’s incredibly out of character for Shuu to act so casually, but not unexpected by any means. He’s worked himself to the bone for their first show. As well as it went, Nito still wonders if it was worth the effort.

It wasn’t until their first show Nito had ever seen Shuu change. His ribs are so pronounced, running his hands over them now, he wonders when Shuu finds the time to eat. Even Shuu’s skin… it’s so pale. What kind of life is he living, with so much to live for? It’s easy for Nito to write off all this as killing time, but…

What is he waiting for? His head’s starting to pound, a delayed effect of performing so diligently. Shuu’s standards are not easy to live up to, not as an amateur, but it’s an expectation that follows being perfect. Even if he pretends his heart's not in it, the idea of being less than perfect is slowly growing to be a fear of Nito’s. It’s a parasite that’s infected his entire being, Nito would give anything to get rid of it, but it’s easier to leave it be. At least for now, while it’s benign.

Nito sighs, shifting his touch to his rabbit, who’s sleeping just as soundly. Even his muscles are starting to ache, but he can’t sleep with his thoughts swirling as they are. The buzzing white noise doesn’t seem to help any at all. He wants to talk to someone, but that, too, is becoming a nuisance. It’s not like anyone’s ever said anything about it, but he’s aware of how inconvenient his lisp is. It hasn’t hindered his singing capability, but who’s to say it never will? Who’s to say, if someday he might very well ruin Shuu’s perfect stage.

And there’s another fear to keep his eyes wide.

“Mentor…” Nito turns his head to face Shuu, but he doesn’t speak in a way that might stir Shuu from his sleep. Just enough to hear his own voice. He brings a hand up to Shuu’s face, brushing away stray hairs. “I like you, mentor.”

He closes his eyes, taking in everything that’s lead up to this very moment. Every breath he’s taken, every step… He can’t decide if they’re really friends, or if he’s simply following Shuu like a soulless husk. They’ve known each other for nearly half a year, yet he doesn’t even know this much. Just for that, he’d like to compromise, even if it’s only a small bit.

“I like you. Don’t make me regret that…”

Sympathy? Pity? He doesn’t know what he really wants to say, but the weight on his chest begins to fade away. Just like that, he’s slowly drifting away with Shuu.

 

“Maintenance.”

Shuu says the word quizzically, like he’s uncertain if it’s really the one he wants. After a few moments, he nods, opening his eyes and folding his arms. “Yes,” He says, ”Maintenance. If a doll is broken, it is the natural course of action to fix it, correct?”

Nito isn’t really sure where any of Shuu’s conclusion had come from. Well, it was his mistake to confide his feelings into someone as odd as Shuu, but still, nothing of what Shuu says correlates to the feelings Nito had shared with him.

“I’m not a doll. Dolls don’t eat food, do they?”

Nito speaks dryly as he lifts his fork up, waving it around for emphasis. Nito’s not really a fan of sweet foods, but the only food Shuu eats without complaint is croissants, so eating at cafés is convenient. It is a nice treat after a show, something he might even get used to, and it’s even more pleasant that they get a bit of repayment for being idols. Even though they’re just students, it’s more money than Nito’s ever seen in his life.

“Certainly they do, it is a common affair to have tea parties, and–”

“That’s make believe! Seriously, mentor!”

Nito notes the words he fumbles when he speaks heatedly. He’s doing everything in his power to practice speaking properly, because it frustrates Shuu, which in turn bothers Nito. A lack of communication is dangerous, but Shuu is impressively talented at translating Nito’s terrible speech.

“It’s irrelevant. The point is you are broken, and therefore I shall fix you.”

Shuu looks so proud of himself, like he’s ended all human suffering in a few words. Nito rolls his eyes, entirely done with conversing with Shuu. Living up to Shuu’s standards, his worldviews, is much more tiresome than he initially gave it credit. There’s no suggesting to Shuu’s point of view, only accepting it.

“I’m not broken, I’m concerned.”

“What have you to be concerned about? I’m not leading you astray. Therefore, you must be riddled with confusion, and confusion is nothing more than a product of failure.”

Nito looks down to his lap. Even if everything Shu says is nonsense, it somehow finds ways to affect him. He’d just told Shuu his fears, and it seems they’re coming back around to bite Nito.

“Please don’t call me a failure.”

“No, no; Never. Nito is not a failure, but a product of my failure. You are perfect, but I am still a human, afterall. Vous êtes belles, mais je suis vide… Yes, that is it. I am the one at fault, so I must fix you.”

“Stop that!”

“S-stop… what?”

Shuu is taken aback by how aggressive Nito can be. Even with teeth exposed, he can’t help himself from finding Nito adorable. In every way, Nito is a purity in his life, he wishes only to admire him. Nito lives life with the opposite motto.

Nito sighs, sitting back in his chair.

“What language even is that. When you say stuff you don’t really feel.”

“C'est le français.”

“What?”

Nito slams his hand down on the table, again, and Shuu can’t help but laugh. It’s the first time they’ve been so friendly with one another since going to school together. It’s pleasant, and quaint. It takes some time of trying to be angry before Nito smiles back at Shuu.

“It’s French.”

“How unbelievably like you that is.”

Nito scoffs, falling back into his chair like a weight were being dropped on him. Shuu can’t seem to stop giggling, which is disconcerting in its own way, though it really shouldn’t be. It’s the happiest they’ll ever be in each other’s presence until the day they die.

“How so, do you think?”

“You’re antiquated in that way. Even your family is like that, oddly old-fashioned. Your house, your methods, your doll talk… French, too. It’s like an antique that’s heavily sought after. Do you really think that’s a good way to live life?”

Shuu is dumbstruck at the thought. It’s not like anyone would ever admit their way of living were wrong, but Nito’s the first to really put it into perspective.

“I do.”

“I see.” Nito pokes at his desert absentmindedly, trying to figure out God and the Universe and the meaning of life all on his own, in his little head. Absentmindedly. “Maintenance, huh?"

 

To this very day, Nito is unsure of what ‘Maintenance,’ entails.

It definitely entails touching, and it definitely entails Shuu pretending to know more about people than he does, but that’s as far as Nito’s gotten in his analysis of this, ‘Maintenance.’ Which, to be more accurate, it’s Shuu being very knowledgeable about dolls, and completely ignorant about people, and by extension reality, but semantics and all that.

He doesn’t argue to following Shuu home, or being alone in his room, despite how creepy it already is in its own right. Shuu’s family always seems cold, and distant. He doesn’t know if they like him or not; he certainly doesn’t think they like what the two of them have been doing. Shuu’s never specified or anything, but he knows from passing knowledge that Shuu’s supposed to be aspiring to his family’s business, not playing artist. Nito has no right to speak about it, he has so much freedom he doesn’t really understand it. He doesn’t understand why Shuu complains about his parents, or stays overnight at Nito’s just to sew. He just lets those things happen, that’s about all he’s good for, isn’t it?

Still, that’s hardly the worst thing. As soon as Nito’s rushed to Shuu’s bedroom it’s pretty far from his mind, and he has better things to worry about right now. No, the worst is all these terrifying dolls staring him down when he’s trying to act comfortable. He recognizes the one Shuu carries around with him from time to time, but the others are just awkward. Discomfort triples when Shuu’s actually touching Nito, like some kind of voyeuristic fetish, which is about the last thing he’s ever wanted to compare being with Shuu to.

Whatever this is, it isn’t sexual. He doesn’t deny the sneaking suspicion Shuu likes him a little _too_ much, everyone knows that much about them. They’re not even that famous, but he’s definitely heard rumors and the like spread from normal, everyday people. Despite that, this is perhaps the most professional and focused he’s seen Shuu, without a doubt. It’s kind of gross to have Shuu’s hands all over him, but he’s not touching him the way one touches a fellow human. In fact, he specifically asks Nito to act like he’s dead, and he does just that. When Shuu lifts his arm up, his hand is limp, just like a doll.

Just like a doll. Is that what he is?

“Mentor…?”

Nito mumbles, and Shuu gives him a rather annoyed look. That’s as far as his acknowledgment goes, he’s very busy, after all. Is that, too, the extent of Nito’s worth? This really isn’t helping him at all, he wonders if Shuu realizes that.

“Mentor, do you… Do you really not see me as a person?”

“I don’t know.”

Shuu pushes Nito’s shoulders down, pinning him to his bed. He looks at Nito for a needlessly long time, not knowing what to say but not wanting to give up his pride, either. His face is expressionless, tired, even.

“I don’t get it at all, Nito? What am I doing wrong?”

Nito looks like he wants to say something, but Shuu quickly covers his mouth, shaking his head. It wasn’t really rhetorical, but when Nito offers what Shuu desires, his eyes are trembling with fear. He can’t stand Shuu, over and over things always end up this way, without fail. He feels like he’s drowning, without a voice. Even when he offers his worries to Shuu, they’re tossed aside. Just to maintain his fantasy, what is Nito’s role even supposed to be?

Shuu moves his hand from Nito’s mouth, feathering his touch over Nito’s cheeks.

“How difficult it is to find faults in you. Why have I been cursed to be such a pathetic human being? Even as I am trying so hard to please you, I can’t make amends for this. I am truly sorry to have failed you, my dearest Nito.”

Shuu presses his lips to Nito’s. It doesn’t feel like anything at all. He thought it might. He thought it might feel like shock, or discomfort, or perhaps even love, but it doesn’t. It feels as empty as a black hole devouring his entire being.

It’s not a kiss, it’s just a distraction.

Shuu strips Nito of everything, but he never finds the faults he’s looking for. Perhaps he’s only muddled his beliefs further. Nito’s skin his warm, there’s indefinitely blood pumping through his veins. When his hand pushes on his stomach he can feel all those organs working pristinely to keep Nito alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.

At some point, Shuu must have started crying. All over his body he can feel the warmth of his tears that have haphazardly dripped off his face. In his mind, it feels just like sweat, just like a normal part of his normal body. If he could, he’d like to simply melt into Shuu. Stop playing this weird game to satiate Shuu’s desires and whims he can’t even understand. Nothing Shuu says or does makes any sense to him, he’s just playing along. Like a doll.

God, he’s just like Shuu’s doll. How disgusting.

“Mentor, can I go home?”

Shuu looks Nito in the eyes for the first time in a while. _Ah,_ Nito thinks. So he really was crying, after all. He smiles gently at him, sitting up to wipe his tears. What a mess he is, for all his elegance this Shuu is nothing but a hot mess. How embarrassing he is, this mentor of his. That just a single little smile has healed all the wounds to his resolve. When Shuu looks at Nito, it’s as though none of this had happened at all. Who exactly has been fixing who, then?

“Nito… Sans toi, je ne suis rien.”

Shuu smiles, running his fingers through Nito’s long, thin hair. The entire afternoon has been so uneventful, he has no idea what Shuu’s gained from all this. Nito’s lost an entire day of his short life once again, but he guesses Shuu’s happiness is worth it.

 

“It’s sinful to flaunt yourself as a God, you know?”

Nazuna walks with some distance between himself and Shuu. It wasn’t really awkward until they’d abandoned Shuu’s room, Nito would have preferred to go home by himself but Shuu had insisted otherwise. It doesn’t matter if Nito says yes or no, his voice means nothing to Shuu. He doesn’t even think Shuu listens when he talks, or cares about anything more than Nito’s body.

Is this supposed to be love? Perhaps, to a God, this is as far as their imagination can reach, to understand the humans down below.

“But that is exactly what I am, to you.”

“It’s more than just a sin, it’s a commandment.”

“Is the name Valkyrie itself not an expression of blasphemy?”

Nito digs nails into his palm. Everything Shuu says is lost on him, he doesn’t make any sense what-so-ever. Nazuna’s long since stopped going to church early Sunday mornings, but Shuu does, and Shuu always has complicated metaphors for everything, and all. Yet, he doesn’t seem the slightest bit phased by this. By removing himself from humanity to uplift his shitty art.

It’s only more frustrating because Nito can’t call it anything but art. It’s something beyond what any other human at Yumenosaki makes. Should he be more proud to be a part of that? If all it does is bring him grievances, he starts to wonder if the price of Heaven is worth all their sins.

“You’re not that great, you know? You can’t dance a pas de duex on misunderstandings. We have different talents, but you’re not better than me.”

“That’s not true, you know. I am your mentor, am I not? Is it not natural to assume superiority in that case?”

“The only difference between us is that you're the creator and I am the performer.”

“And the director is superior to his actors, yes?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s not how that works. It would be different if you were a God, but you’re nowhere near as benevolent.”

“God is not benevolent, He is indifferent.”

“Whatever, I really don’t care. But I’m really at my limits pretending to be a do-”

“Do not say another word to me, I don’t want to hear you speak any further out of line. It would only be more for me to resolve. I haven’t figured it out, yet, you see? You are the doll and I am the puppeteer. You are the one who must stop pretending you are–”

Nito presses a finger to Shuu’s lips, cutting him off before he has a chance to monologue any further. He’s so infuriating, saying such complicated things without any consideration to those around him. It’s difficult for Nito to believe they really met in a rustic old church with how pretentious Shuu’s shown himself to be. What exactly is he seeking? He doesn’t make any sense, what makes an idol a God in the first place.

He’s such a terrible idol. Trying to be an artist is worthless in an industry built on predetermined selling points. They’re just clichés attempting to break the mold, if they really cared so much they’d be doing these things in their parent’s basements, not wasting thousands on a school for slackers. Nito knew that well enough, and knows even better now this infrastructure they’ve built Valkyrie on can’t hold them for very long. The top of the world is the most dangerous of places to be, it’s only a matter of time before one of these deadbeat idols gets up and takes action, isn’t it?

Nito doesn’t let Shuu closer than five feet before his house. They’ve never fought before, they’ve never even argued, but it feels like Shuu is stranger than ever to Nito. He’s never had a friend like this– _are they even friends?_ Does it matter? Nito’s not good at talking, either way, after all. What does one say in a situation like this?

Nito just wants to scream. Into a pillow might be the closest he’s getting.

“I love you, Nito.”

Shuu blurts out when Nito grips the handle to his front door. He really can’t take a hint at all, what a terrible boy, Shuu is. What a terribly awkward, terribly frightened rat he is. Nito speaks lowly to keep from startling him.

“Is that so?”

“I’m not sure.”

Nito smiles, because of course Shuu would say something so heavy and not even think about whether he meant it or not. Just like when he and Shuu first met, when he’d called Nito perfect without reasoning why. Maybe he didn’t actually mean it, after all.

“Okay.” Nito says. “Okay.”


	5. I Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i remember very distinctly the time i read Checkmate for the first time, where eventually i got to the point that Izumi says he wasn't apart of any clubs and had no desire to join any for which i threw my phone across my room and never finished reading the event because i was so depressed my HC abt nazuna and izumi being long time tennis buddies was dismantled right before my eyes  
> i made this HC immediately following Marionette so it was kind of a long time waiting for that disappointment. thanks akira, i hate it.

Nito is content to take out his frustrations on tennis the entire day if it means getting away from Shuu for a while. Izumi is much the same, and they both chose to ignore that the people who annoy them the most are only half present most of the time. Lately, it’s become more about each other’s presence anyway. They’re not very friendly people, after all, and few people in this world will ever understand one another the way Izumi and Nito do.

“I can’t stand him,” Nazuna says, slamming the racket into the tennis ball with enough force to burn a hole through it. He’s in awe Izumi can serve it back to him. No matter how much he whines about sweating or whatever, he’s really quite athletic. Which, in response, Nazuna realizes everytime they practice together that he quite hates losing. He quite hates feeling inferior in general. He’s slowly begun to lose himself in his anger, letting it meld into the feeling of being a sore loser instead. His greatest strength is being nimble, no matter where Izumi strikes, Nazuna will just as quickly send it back his way.

Putting in all this effort, it’s lost all its destressing factor and has just become tiresome the longer the two draw out their practice game. If the two didn’t equally loathe losing, maybe they’d give it up by now, but until one of them comes out on top of the other, they fight to their last breath. That is, perhaps, the prelude to their unfortunate demise, in the real world.

“How do you manage?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve kind of lost track of how many people are even in your unit. How do you put up with that?”

“Honestly, I’m not really sure I do.”

Izumi stressed the last syllable of his statement, tripping up Nazuna for the first time of their match. It’s just baffling enough for Nazuna to laugh about it when he regains composure, accepting it for what it is. His reality– he’s constantly being hoisted by his own petard.

He promises himself it won’t happen again, but...

“You guys really don’t do much of anything, do you?”

“That aggravates me, too, but why should I be responsible for them?”

“You should be grateful you have a voice.”

“Of course, unlike you, I do more than just look pretty.”

There’s a drink laced with truth. Izumi can be so painfully straightforward, in that way, but it’s not like Nito hasn’t thought about that before. If he were being honest with himself, he is fully aware he’s making the choice to be held back by Shuu. That he’s choosing not to speak up at all in a time where he very much has the power to, he’s pitiful in that way. Nazuna has a preference for it, the easy and simple life, yet he dismisses everyone else who’s in that same boat.

Rather, it’s like he’s trapped in purgatory. He’s more talented than he lets on, but unwilling to give up all their tricks. He’s the trump card in Shuu’s sleeve, it’s all he has to reason why he doesn’t utilize his full potential on stage. He had said as much to Shuu, as well, that being on top is nothing more than putting a target on their foreheads.

Regardless of its truth, Nazuna Nito hates losing. He hates losing and he absolutely refuses to lose to a boy as similarly stupid as Izumi.

“I can do more than look pretty.”

Of course, he doesn’t mean to speak so defensively of himself, but nobody’s here to obsess over the cuteness of his pout.

“Then why don’t you?”

“An actor is only as good as his director. I’m not like you, Izumi.”

Nazuna stops himself with his own words, letting the ball Izumi serves to him roll pitifully down to the end of the court. He sighs, more frustrated with what he’s admitting than whether it’s honest. Now that it’s at the forefront of his mind, he’ll have to address it, sooner rather than later. He’ll have to address his place in this world, with or without Shuu at his side, and just the thought of such loneliness has him feeling like a plank floating in the ocean. He’s not like Izumi, he had never been groomed for such a vicious industry as this, he’s only been waiting his entire life to be of use to someone. Anyone at all.

“Let’s stop for today.”

 

“You really think I’m pretty?”

Nazuna comments, pulling his change of shirt over his head with little struggle. The changing room is as lifelessly empty as the rest of their school, with clubs being more of a passtime than a real requirement, it’s easy to see why the lazy lot of students shy from contributing. Even for their tennis club, the two of them don’t often participate unless something’s on their mind. There’s so many better ways for them to spend their afternoons.

For Nazuna, it’s work, and for Izumi, it’s wishing he were working more.

“You’re certainly something.”

Izumi sighs, with his back to Nazuna until they finish changing. It’s just one of those odd Izumi quirks, to not be able to face another man changing, and still slip out such an embarrassingly soft compliment. He’s never straightforward about his feelings, and come to think about it, Nazuna doesn’t believe he is either.

“I think I’m in love with him,” Nazuna interjects, surprising even himself with his words, “Or something… Like that… Is why I…”

“That’s gross."

Izumi comments, without missing a beat. He’s as rude as Nazuna expects him to be and still he feels the urge to punch him for dismissing him so quickly.

“Lay off, geez. It’s not like that, but more like…”

“I’m surprised to hear it from you, I always thought it was Itsuki who was the gross one. Well, I’m sure everyone already thinks you’re a happy couple, if you weren’t so grumpy all the time...”

Nazuna does hit Izumi, this time, to his dismay at any mars on his perfect model body. Nazuna can be so rugged, despite being dolled up like a lady, he’s aggressive, and internally loud, with a lot to say and no one to say it to. He feels like he’s living two different lives, and everyone only sees the one Itsuki had breeded in him.

“I told you it’s not like that. Stop interrupting me, I hate that.”

“You should say that to the people it matters to before you go off confessing your love.”

“I wasn’t going to confess my love in the first place. I just needed someone to admit it to.”

Nazuna sighs, leaning against the lockers to his back tiresomely. His chest does feel the slightest bit lighter, even if the feeling is still entirely confusing, this much is fine for now. He only wishes Izumi was a better listener, but that Izumi had befriended Nazuna at all still feels special to him. He’s a good person at his heart, probably too good for his own good.

“How is Leo doing?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“You spend more time with him than you do yourself. Are you going to practice now?”

“I am. What does it matter?”

Nazuna laughs at Izumi’s defensiveness. He can be so blind to himself at times, Nazuna wonders if the two of them are twins, or some kind of kindred spirits, sharing the same set of ideals and refusing to let them go. Today marks the first day Nazuna’s put a word to his feelings, a cipher upon this sensation of love. He hopes Izumi does the same for himself, someday.

Perhaps it would hurt less if they were better with words. Maybe ignorance is just that blissful. Nazuna doesn’t dwell on that thought.

“It doesn’t. I have to go home with Shuu, but let’s practice again sometime.”

“Sure, sure…” Izumi mumbles, comfortably settling into his practice uniform. Somehow, it feels the slightest bit weirder now, that he almost regrets calling Nazuna his friend for being so round-about with him. Still, he can’t play at being annoyed all the time, and he gives Nazuna a “Good luck,” before parting ways at the door.

 

“My mother taught me French.” Shuu says over the sound of running water from the faucet. Nito feels like he’s been scrubbing at the dishes in his hands for hours.  “Actually, she taught all of us French. I think it’s a good language to know in business, so that’s probably why, but I always thought it was a rather elegant tongue.”

“It just sounds obnoxious coming out of you.” Nito smiles, looking at Shuu in the corner of his eyes. “Are you also the one who prefers French food, or..?”

Nito looks over the weird looking food Shuu’s set before him on the table. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, at least on T.V., but it looks a lot fancier in real life. Shuu only eats croissants, he already knew that, but the amount of french cuisine Shuu’s family consumes is simply another reason Nito hates being here.

“No, no. We are French.”

“Of course you are.” Nito laughs, poking at his food as if it will somehow revitalize his appetite. “Do you like to cook?”

“No, not particularly. Why, does it taste bad?”

“Just curious.”

Shuu takes his seat before Nito as he finishes cleaning up the dishes, drying his hands with a towel.

“It’s fine if you think it’s bad. I’ve come to expect such cruel words from my precious doll. Go on, don’t hold back.”

“I’m just not hungry.”

“Just not hungry?”

Nito nods, and without a second thought Shuu’s shoved every plate on the table off to the side. “Good, we can skip the formalities then, yes?” He takes no time at all spreading a handful of papers across the table, it’s more concepts for Valkyrie, Nito imagines. “What do you think of this?”

Shuu picks a very specific paper out from his pile to hand to Nito. It’s another absurdly elegant stage, like they’ve jumped the shark before ever learning how to swim. Maybe Shuu was already good at this idol business, he is certainly a genius, but...

“Do you like interviews, Nito?”

Shuu’s voice calls Nito back to him. His head is spinning from the workload he’s been forced into juggling, it hasn’t even been a year yet and Nito wonders if it will ever be worth it. Do they even really have a goal in mind? It’s getting harder and harder for Nito to justify this isn’t serious on his end.

“Mentor...” Nito sits up to look Shuu in the eye the best he can. “Don’t you think this is a bit...” He ponders for the right word in his head, shaking the paper in his hand back and forth. The noise it makes is grating, fueled with a sense of anticipation for what Nito is going to say. “Over-the-top?”

No, that wasn’t right. It’s...

“What do you mean?”

Nito looks down, suddenly missing the stupid plate of food he could be distracting himself with. It’s not as though it isn’t nice to work with perfection, but it’s absurd to be doing so when Nito is only dragging along. He’s starting to realize how little a contribution his presence really is. Just as Izumi said to him, he’s just deadweight. A doll who can’t make any decisions on his own. He can’t compete with the things Shuu makes, not when he can’t even dress himself, properly.

“This.” Nito says, shaking the paper a bit more aggressively as though it will spill his feelings out of them. “I can’t give my opinion on this, I can’t even tell what _this_ is?”

Nito isn’t even sure it’s possible to construct such a stage. Neither of them are handymen or anything, and while they can commission people to do it for them, something like this must be a fortune to build. For just one performance? How absurd. They already spend so much making new outfits every month, sometimes more than that. They’re working so hard, while everyone else drags their feet. What’s the point?

“Don’t you think... You’re trying too hard?”

Shuu laughs. A delicate, but very hardy laugh. It’s never been clearer to Nito he’s been so wrong about anything, or rather, everything.

“Too hard? Or is it everyone else who isn’t trying hard enough?”

Yes… That’s it, isn’t it? Nito understands that much, but that doesn’t answer the ultimate question, does it? Nito holds his head, he’s too frustrated to conjure up his feelings into words. It seems like every conversation they have is wandering in circles, he feels at any moment he’s going to crash.

“Well, you’re not totally wrong. I have been thinking, maybe there’s something missing from our perfectly contrived art form. Rather, the fault in you, my dearest Nito, is that we’ve failed to account for your soul as a… As my doll.”

“I’m not a do-”

Shuu pushes his chair out, the aggressive screech cutting out Nito’s denial. Shuu doesn’t want to hear criticism from anyone. Not that he ever really has, but he seems much more vain these days. Calling himself a God and a sovereign, and for what? Being a productive idol? He’s certain there’s a handful of people much better than them in this school, they’re just the only ones putting in the effort to proclaim themselves as _‘the best.’_

Nito would be content just to see people smiling, but their audience doesn’t even do that for them. They never have.

“Perhaps it is that you are troubled because I’ve neglected to address your fears. Your… Shadow, if you will.”

“So ‘maintenance,’ was a bust, huh?”

Shuu sighs, returning to the papers on the tables with a target in mind. Though, he doesn’t really seem to ever find it before he starts speaking, again.

“No… I wrote that down, but I think I still need to work out the kinks of that.”

“You wrote it down? What are you, some kind of pervert?”

With wide eyes and pink-tinted cheeks, Shuu profusely denies such a horrendous accusation.

“N-no, not like that! Not like…! I just…!”

Nazuna laughs, pulling his hair back behind his ears. Shuu is such an odd person, he would write something like that down. Whether or not it’s because he likes Nito or because he genuinely believes he’s discovered something groundbreaking, Nito supposes he doesn’t really care. It’s only as awkward as the amount of times Nito decides to tease him over his possible crush, and Nito regards Shuu only in the most professional of ways.

“You are kind of a pervert, though.”

“Sorry. Are you still mad at me?”

“No, I like you.”

Nito is prone to saying things he doesn’t really mean to avoid conflict, but there’s not a hint of insincerity in him right now. His smile is radiant, like an angel that’s descended to Shuu, that Shuu is full of an immeasurable amount of passion to create things he’d never felt capable of doing. Valkyrie is only so elegant because Shuu desires Nito. He is thoroughly torn between reveling in Nito all to himself and showing the world such a magnificent, Heavenly fortune he’d stumbled upon.

And it doesn’t matter what kind of oddity Shuu says to Nito. Shuu’s smile to him is just as beautiful.

“Yes! I mean, it is only natural for you to like me, because I have poured all my love into you, Nito! Nito… Nito… Ahh, of course, there’s still so much to do. You organize this, I must write this song down before I forget.”

Shuu’s so like that, running off and working just because Nito is cute. What on Earth would Shuu be doing right now if they’d never met last year? What would Nito be doing? As nice as it might be to think about, Nito can’t really imagine his life without Shuu. Everything he’s done for him, making him the star of his show despite his own pride… Nito wonders if he’ll ever be capable of repaying the kindness Shuu’s blessed Nito with.

Organizing Shuu’s mess of ideas, it’s a start, at least.

“Yeah, yeah… Mentor.”


	6. Heads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next two chapters kind of followed the same setting which was unintentional but i never came up with anything to bridge the gap in them. they're not like exactly the same, but i think it might be a little repetitive so you can pick one or the other to read and you'd get the same effect really.  
> i have so many opinions about shuu and nazuna's first year relationship. there's so many things i wish to know that will probably never be revealed. im glad they were the first to get a first year past story, though. i didn't like that gacha at first, but i started going back to it about as much as i went back to marionette to stay as in character as possible. i probably make nazuna talk a lot more, though.

The lights behind him are burning holes into his skull. He can’t concentrate on the song he’s supposed to be singing, his mind has long wandered to all the other confusions in his mind. He feels as though he’s running on auto-pilot, singing and dancing only as he’s been taught and without much thought to it. It’s maddening, this feeling, as though everyone’s eyes were crawling inside his skin, he feels so unsightly. Even the comfort of Shuu’s guidance brings no solace to his disturbed mind. He wants to pass out, to simply die on this stage and be freed of all the feelings devouring his mind.

How easy it would be if humans could be free of God’s torment without any effort at all. It feels like judgement day. It feels like he still has so much work to do to forgive himself of sin. It feels like he’s been cast into Hell from birth, and this is simply the culmination of trying to escape.

It’s a performance he’s executed a thousand times, yet he can’t explain for the life of him why it’s so draining right now. The lights are heavy, they’re melting his skin, and he’s starting to forget the words he’s supposed to be singing. When he’s supposed to sing. This anxiety overwhelming him, it feels like proof of the fear that’s been growing ever so slowly in his heart. It feels like a cancer metastasizing in his soul.

It’s his voice. He’s slipped up and sang the wrong word. He’s sure of it, and yet he can’t stop now. He can’t stop with all the world’s eyes on him. He’s supposed to be perfect, Shuu’s said it a thousand times over to him, and here he is slurring his speech on stage. He’s such a foolish person, a smudge on Shuu’s ideal. His art. There is no forgiveness for Angels, only a life of pariah.

At the end of their show, Nito doesn’t look into Shuu’s eyes. He doesn’t speak a word to him, or offer to spend the evening together as they oft do. Shuu calls out to him once or twice, but he can’t accept his words. Somehow, forgiveness would feel more damning; his mistakes are only piling with time, and it feels there’s nothing he can do to please Shuu any longer.

The burden of being perfect is defining perfection. He isn’t God, after all, he isn’t so beautiful and divine but for a moment in time he had truly believed in those words Shuu gave him. Of adoration, of God’s love, nothing could ever be so predictable as Shuu Itsuki. As God.

It doesn’t strike him, to cry. Not in the excessively arduous walk home. Not during the eternal supper between him and his parents. Not in between every step up the stairs in his room, nor even in the hours in bed it takes him to fall asleep. It doesn’t strike him at all to take action, and still he feels the dried crust of saline over his cheeks in the morning, under the light of the bright, summer sun. The world keeps spinning, it keeps turning without him, but he feels entirely assured he’s ended all life with a meteor of his mistakes.

 

Nazuna does his very best to ignore the clacking knock against his window. As terrible as it would be to have to repair a crack, more dreadful than that would be answering to the call of the only person who’d ever come to visit him. Not having friends is much more obnoxious when one fights with their only partner in this bizarre life. He can’t lean on or rely on anyone but Itsuki Shuu, and who does one complain about Itsuki Shuu to if not the man himself?

Maybe Nazuna should get himself some dolls like Shuu to grumble to.

“What do you want, Mentor?”

Nazuna says, pulling back his window to let in the warm air of late summer. It’s the perfect temperature, right before the turn of fall, and how nostalgic that thought is.

“I want to see you, is that not obvious for the extraneous methods you’ve forced me to go through to do just that.”

Nazuna sighs, tightening his grip around the curtains. How obnoxious Shuu really is, even if Nazuna really returns Shuu’s feelings of love it seems he’d still end up suffocating. That is to say, Shuu isn’t in love with Nito at all, just infatuated.

“You could have came in through the door…”

“Nito’s parents are rather disdainful, are they not?”

“Speak for yourself.”

Not that Nazuna much interacts with Shuu’s family. Rather, he’s made a conscious effort to avoid them as much as humanly possible, and it seems Shuu shares that will. Shuu doesn’t often welcome Nazuna to his home, not unless at least a handful of his family is away. Though, maybe in Shuu’s case, it’s just the stinge of jealousy creeping in. It seems Shuu’s family adores Nito about as much as Shuu does, maybe more than they adore Shuu himself, which bothers Nazuna, too.

Nazuna lacks the obligations Shuu does, but he hears him out as much as he can stand to. With a defeated groan, Nazuna makes his way downstairs to welcome Shuu in. It would be more of a pain to keep yelling at each other through the window for everyone to hear, like some kind of Romeo and Juliet misunderstanding. The whole world has decided they’re in love, but they’ve yet to agree upon the sentiment.

“Have you been crying?”

“N… No.”

Shuu responds half heartedly, and Nito smiles to make up for the other half. He wipes crust from Shuu’s dry cheeks to make up for the time he’s been away. For some time since their disappointing show, Nito’s been avoidant for Shuu, for what he decided would be until he can improve upon his own shortcomings. Shuu won’t ever tell him if he’s making a mistake, because in Shuu’s eyes Nito can make no mistakes, so he’s been relying on his own intuition to get by. However, it seems, there’s something more damning growing in him he absolutely can’t share with Shuu.

“It’s okay to cry. Everyone does it.”

“I know.” Shuu pauses, staring down into Nito’s wide eyes until it just starts to feel embarrassing. “...But I wasn’t crying.”

He’s so assertive about it, and as such, Nito chooses not to press on. He opts to grab some drinks for them, instead, awkwardly acknowledging his parents with a nod of his head before lugging himself back up to his room. Shuu follows suit, making himself at home on the floor at the edge of Nito’s bed. He’s never sat on his bed, but that probably has more to do with the space he’d like to have to work than some other odd Shuu reasoning. He’s always invading Nito’s space to sew, although not enough so that he’s ever brought over a sewing machine or rearranged Nito’s room or anything of the sorts. He just comes to begin, or put on the finishing touches, in peace away from his parents for reasons Nito can only guess of.

Shuu never talks about his family, or his past, or anything at all about himself, really. As far as Nito understands, they’re good people Shuu simply disagrees with in every respect, but to Nito that’s the most normal thing about Shuu. Teenagers are supposed to be loud and rebellious and all, maybe they should have started some kind of angry garageband instead of becoming artistically refined idols. It’s such a silly idea Nazuna can’t help laughing at his own thoughts.

“Your laughter is so angelic, Nito. I could happily die listening to something so sweet.”

Shuu says, although it lacks the enthusiasm of his everyday compliments. It’s actually quite somber, something Nito actually could get used to, but by tomorrow Shuu will most certainly revert back to his old ways. Old habits die hard, after all.

Shuu gently threads his needle, delicately tying the knot between his fingers. It’s such a fascinating view from here, from Nito’s perspective, he has such a talent for this it seems so effortless to Nito. It’s mesmerizing to watch him pull all the strings with such a small little needle, Nito loses track of all the details and simply enjoys the show. It’s just like being an idol, for him. Something that seems so simple is only so because they’ve worked so hard to get here. They’re just doing their jobs, pulling off spectacular feats as though they were routine. Everytime it seems they might prick their fingers, they’re holding the world in the palm of their hands, careful and meticulous as sewing up shoes for the stage.

“What are you making?” Nazuna says, sitting on the floor across Shuu distanced only by the large cloth he’s lain out before him. “Can I help?”

“You always ask that and the answer is always the same.”

“You’re so annoying. You wouldn’t even let me in your club, then you got all mad that I joined the tennis club instead… What do you want?”

“I want for my doll to simply concede to my will.”

Nazuna groans, resting his head in his hand. More of that doll talk, too. It seems the person he’s respected has really gone off the deep end, he thinks. Things that were once just obscure metaphors are becoming like genuine desires of Shuu’s. To be locked up in a glass casing, only to be welcome out to dance of Shuu’s volition, sounds so pathetic of an experience Nito wouldn’t ever think to agree to it.

Not that he’s rebelling on purpose, either. He was just bored at the time, doing the things expected of a high school student like joining a club and all… Everything Nito does is more out of expectation than his free will. He’s starting to wonder if he’s ever had a ‘free will,’ to begin with. He realizes, upon contemplation, he’s a relatively boring person. Maybe less so now, but he wonders if it’s worth it when he doesn’t know at all what he wants in life.

What did Shuu see in him in the first place? He’ll never know the answer, because Shuu is lacking in honesty and all. But, for all the things he can guess at, he can’t even fathom a possibility to why Shuu fawns over him so.

“Ahh… Please, don’t… Ah, here! If you’d like to help so much, then start by putting this monstrosity to its cage.”

Shuu slips up a bit in his elegant speech, trying both to shoo off Nito’s pet and protect his work from the heathen’s reign of terror on Nito’s floor. He refuses to touch the thing, like it’s going to rip apart his insides or something if he did. Being with Shuu is a truly surreal experience, Nito wonders how he’s ever going to explain this moment of his life to his children when he’s old and given time to reflect.

“Gabriel was here first.”

“Yes, but…”

No rebuttal this time, Nito supposes. He taps his fingers on the floor to attract his precious thing to him, petting the little rabbit gently behind his ears. Nito’s quite endeared to it, softened a great deal by his pet though he’d never thought of himself as an animal lover prior. He’s not entirely certain if that was in his control, either, really. If he likes rabbits because he likes them, or because his name attracted him to them, he’s not sure how much it would have mattered to him if he never met Shuu. Now, it seems, everything Nito does is under the scrutiny of his own inability to form a personality for himself.

He doesn’t dwell much on it. When the silence starts to ring in his ears, he decides to probe Shuu’s thoughts some more.

“Did you get in a fight with them or something?”

“With who?”

“Your parents. Or did you just come because you missed me?”

“Both. Although, it wasn’t my parents this time. It was my grandfather.”

Nito hums his acknowledgement, imploring Shuu to go on into as much or little detail as he chooses. He generally doesn’t bother asking directly, but sometimes that’s the only way to get the conversation rolling at all. It’s easy for the flame to die out, so Nito is forced to keep pushing at Shuu if he wants to talk, but more often than not he’d rather not be talking to anyone at all. Shuu is the one in need of a conversation partner.

“I… Had read something unpleasant, you know?

“Most things are unpleasant to you.”

“About Valkyrie. About me. I was so furious to read something so pitiful from such a thoughtless person I acted upon my own weak and insignificant desires.”

Nito laughs, although he doesn’t really mean to in a spiteful way. The hoops Shuu goes through to explain how he’s doing are all so odd and trifling to him. It’s like reading an academic paper on how to have fun, it misses the point entirely of the subject matter. But he understands Shuu well enough to get the point, though he doesn’t think much of Shuu’s personality, he realizes Shuu is as imperfect as he is. A person who’s angry and tired and frustrated with being alive and human. Neither Shuu nor Nito wish to be human. It’s a trapping they’ve been born into, one that keeps being reminded to them regardless how how they try to escape it.

“So you got mad and your grandpa got mad right back, huh?”

“Ahh, yes…” Shu stops for just a moment in his guilt, “No, I broke our computer after reading it, see, and so…”

“I never thought someone delicate like you were capable of that,” Nito laughs again, this time entirely intentional, “Do you do that often? Is that why you’re always hanging around here?”

“No, I… Let’s discuss something else.”

Nito sighs, stretching himself out and grabbing onto the outfit Shuu’s mended. He lifts it by the hem, just running his fingers over the fabric as though Shuu weren’t even there. Shuu’s long given up on evading things like pet hair and muddling fingerprints clinging to his work, they almost add a touch of charm to them. Of course, they’re outfits only to be worn by Valkyrie, as Shuu hate’s reaching out a hand for anyone else, but it seems he’s lightened up to the concept of it. For clubwork, at least, he isn’t entirely adverse to doing things given proper compensation, but ultimately Shuu is rather closed off even within the inner workings of the handicrafts club. Nito’s not sure there’s even a member left to it besides Shuu, like his ominous presence has scared off the masses who hadn’t done much of anything in the first place.

The fabric Shuu mends always has such a homey feel to them. Once, Shuu had disclosed unto Nito it was someone’s mother who taught Shuu how to mend clothes, and Nito can feel that kind of embrace in his fingers when he holds onto Shuu’s work. Like something his own mother would fix up for him. Shuu’s outfits, despite their appearance, are quite inviting after all. Nito’s never minded wearing them regardless of how they appear. Shuu enjoys dressing Nito up, like he’s playing house and living out a fantasy all his own, and that can be odd and awkward for Nito to step into, but on stage is an entirely different situation. On stage, Nito feels he can do anything, or be anyone, and feel at ease so long as Shuu stands behind him, guiding his every delicate step.

Nito both loathes and adores it, being Shuu’s doll. Maybe he’s just come to be complacent of it, or accepting of Shuu’s quirks for what they are. It’s too much to fight over the details of every single one, anyway, and Nito is easy in that respect. He’d just like to fit in, and take up as little space as possible. If this is what it takes to be loved, then…

“Mentor… Shuu, do you love me?”

“What kind of question is that? Of course I do.”

“No, I mean… Do you really love me?”

Shuu looks at Nito, bewildered for a moment before the thought really clicks in his mind. Shuu has his own definition of love that’s just as otherworldly as every other aspect of his being. It’s hard for him to associate the feeling love normally bears with the one he genuinely feels, to try and express it in a conversation is a fate worse than death. He’s, perhaps, danced around it a bit much in all his time spent with Nito. In reality, the conversations almost never come up, really. Rather, Nito’s never been curious enough to know before, if his love and Shuu’s love align at all.

It doesn’t matter at all, if they do or they don’t. It’s just a conversation topic, nothing more and nothing less.

“I told you before, I’m not sure.”

“Still?” Nito grins, “That was such a long time ago, though…”

Their days together feel so distant, now. Even if they spend every day together, it feels like the last one was years ago and last week were decades past. He’s lost track of it all, letting every day blend into one monstrosity muddling up memories divided into two categories-- Good days and Bad days. That day was a bad one, he thinks.

Shuu fascinates him with how insincere he is. Nothing he speaks is honest, no matter what language he speaks. He wonders why he puts Shuu on such a pedestal, thinking anything Shuu commands is worth acknowledging when he can’t even convey how he feels in his heart. Praying to God that they spend the rest of their lives together, yet incapable of saying _I love you,_ is exactly what Nito’s come to expect of his dearest friend. He can’t risk a thing, if it were between his art– _Valkyrie_ – and Nito, he’s certain Shuu would pick Valkyrie everytime.

“I like you, Shuu.”

“Please, stop referring to me by name.”

“Why? It’s a nice name.”

“It’s not, but moreover, it sounds extra odd coming from you, so please refrain.”

Nito groans, standing up and releasing his monstrosity of a pet back into the wild from his lap. It’s kind enough not to mess with Shuu any further, resting in about the same spot that Nito’s warmth left on the floor in peace. Everyone wins despite gaining nothing, that’s always how their conversations go. Two people living in the same existence alongside one another, yet entirely departed from the other’s feelings and desires. How pitiful love is, how fruitless it all is.

“I like you even when you’re being your annoying, old self. When will God reward me for such patience, I wonder.”

Nito says it so dramatically, like the perfect performer he’s fallen into being. He might make a better actor than idol if only his voice would carry, and he hadn’t been born with such an annoying and dreadful lisp. He smirks down at Shuu, who smiles back with far more genuinity.

“It is by a miracle of God that you like me at all, there’s no reward for the things that are of God’s will.”

“God’s a real pain, isn’t He?”

“I’ve no comment on that.”

Shuu says, looking back down at his cloth. Of course, Shuu takes no risks in regards to his fate. He’s so certain he has God at his side, protecting his dreams and transforming them into reality for him. He’s had so much luck in chance meetings and happenstances that have brought him– _Valkyrie–_ to this point of divinity atop the world as idols. He’s such a fool, Nito thinks, to believe in those things. To disregard all their hard work, their talent, for someone else’s will.

But Nito finds it beautiful and fascinating, anyway, that people like Shuu still exist. If belief could do anything and everything, then maybe if he believes hard enough, Shuu and him could be friends forever. There’s nothing else in the world Nito would rather have.

Nito plops himself down on his bed, laying back to stare up into the ethereal ceiling above him like he could see Heaven from Earth. Just like when he chose to follow Shuu and leave the Church, the sensation of asking and receiving remains the same. Even if it’s all a ruse, it’s not without value, to dream.

“Will you sing for me, Mentor? I want to hear your voice before I fall asleep.”

“How oddly romantic of you. Has my Nito been replaced by an imposter, somehow?”

The kick to Shuu’s head from Nito is an immediate answer to that question, and Shuu laughs with such a brilliant mix of offense and adoration he could almost fool himself into believing nothing’s changed at all. But it never stops, from here on out and even from the very first day they’d fallen in love with one another. It's always been a downward spiral, no matter what angle they gaze at it from, nothing lasts forever.

Maybe when they die, and surpass their trials in purgatory, could they live eternally in this state between friendship and endless devotion, but they’re unfortunate humans living unfortunate lives that humans do.

If Nito could only hear Shuu’s voice singing softly all his adorations, is that what Shuu meant when he called their Valkyrie Heaven, or is it something more they’re missing? The thought doesn’t keep him up at night, but it chases away any hope of pleasant dreams for him. Even if Shuu’s beautiful voice plays as the soundtrack to the rest of his life, it doesn’t shield how terrible the nightmare he’s living in is. Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I write about singing a lot but I never really know how to express it. Some people write really cool metaphors and stuff. I'm just a bean when it comes to writing.  
> I gave Nazuna's rabbit a name but it only came up once in this whole fic. I dunno how that happened. Gabriel is the name of another angel in the bible. He's a lot like Nazuna, I think. Just made sense to me.  
> Which leaves only one other, huh. I never bring it up because I only thought about it recently, but I guess Rafael would be Shuu. A whole trio of angelic boys. I love Valkyrie.


	7. Tails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they kiss in this chapter.  
> next chapter is where the sad stuff comes in so you should probably read this chapter two or three times to relish in cute dumb gay teen boys kissing before they start being sad and not kissing. this is another chapter i wrote this year so that's why it ended up being so similar to the last chapter... i ended up cutting out a bunch of stuff inbetween these two and then i realized how close they were lol... woops! being a writer is tough stuff i don't recommend it.

Nazuna doesn’t care if his feet bleed over the pale white practice room floor. He doesn’t care if his feet grow numb of exhaustion or if his heart gives out before he finishes. All that matters, in his eyes gleaming only of hope he gets it right, is just that. Getting it right. Being on time. He’s still so behind of Shuu’s ideals, his down-to-the-millisecond choreography, he used to get it right every time on instinct. What is it that’s holding him back, now?

He searches his soul with every turn on his toes for the answers to that question. There’s nothing wrong with him, physically, so there’s no reason he wouldn’t be able to land this move the way he always has. It’s the first dance Shuu had ever choreographed just for Nito’s perfection, it highlights all his raw talent, his positives he’d never been aware of before choosing to be an idol.

Has he shed his skin? Is this Nito no longer the Nito of perfection, of pure and honest talent that Shuu once scouted? Nothing about him feels any different, his body is exactly the same as it was yesterday, yet he feels both too tall and too short to balance his weight on the heel of his foot. He’s too slow and too fast, too contradictory to match the beauty of balance that is God’s image of him.  

He doesn’t feel pain when he slips on his feet and falls over. He doesn’t feel the bruises forming all across the landmap of his body, or the buzzing pain in every muscle in his legs. All he feels is disappointment in himself, staring at the stopwatch that tells him he’s more than an entire second off, now. Slower than he’s ever been.

“Shit.”

He says.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!”

He wonders just how far his voice resonates. If every student in Yumenosaki can hear Nazuna Nito’s first failure.

“Don’t go sullying your beauty with such odious words, Nito.”

Shuu speaks sternly, but there’s a smile ghosting over his lips. Nito doesn’t dare to look at him, whether Shuu shows it or not, he’s certain of the judgement Shuu feels over Nito. It’s an unbearable weight on his shoulders he can’t brush off, something that feels so unshakably true it could be its own gospel.

Shuu sighs at Nito’s silence, bending down and offering his hand to him.

“Come on, now. I’ll practice with you until you get it right. Don’t look so dreary, it’s repulsive for someone so precious to look as you do right now.”

For some reason Nito can’t begin to reason, he starts laughing when Shuu says this. He laughs so loud, so uncontrollably, he feels hysterical. Shuu is such an inexplicable storm passing through Nito’s life, speaking so elegantly about the most foolish of things. He’s not even wrong, Nito must look unpleasant and distasteful in his dry eyed tears. In his self revoltion. Without question, Nito takes Shuu’s hand, let him gracefully raise him up from his deprecating state and dance their endless numbered days together in this false paradise.

He realizes, in time, in Shuu’s arms, just as with when they first began their trek into becoming idols, that he doesn’t much care at all if his steps are off beat. If he’s too slow or too fast, what does it matter when he feels Shuu’s heartbeat underneath his fingertips, pulsing with life that could only be human born. Not a God, not a sovereign, but an average teenage boy just like Nito, it’s so poetic and beautiful Nito loses track of all his frustrations.

He’s only covering up a hole with paint. When tomorrow comes, the fears of yesterday will crawl right back out and begin devouring him, again. Shuu is nice, Shuu is perfection, and Shuu is poison disguised as the blood of Christ. If he could only start a conversation, give words to his fears and let Shuu hear his feelings, perhaps they’d have a start to something entirely different than the tragedy tomorrow will bring. Than the tragedy that’s always been building up in their stories, the inevitable demise given grounds the grow in their shortcomings.

Nothing is truly set in stone, yet only hindsight is twenty-twenty.

 

“Nito,” Shuu says, running his fingers gently through Nito’s hair as he looks down at him. “I’ve been offered time for an interview with Valkyrie. I’d like you to join me for it.”

“You agreed without asking me?”

“I did bring it up before, please don’t go off sulking anymore. It is absolute Hell to see my dearest Nito with anything but a smile painted over his lips.”

“Stop talking so much. You talk too much.”

Nito leans his head on Shuu’s chest, his tired body catching up to him as the fight-or-flight instinct of practicing fades. He closes his eyes, ears honing in on the gargles and grumbles of Shuu’s innards beneath his skin like a lullaby for a child. Shuu dances through Nito’s hair once more, taking in the soft scent of Nito’s being like the most painful of temptations. He feels himself giving into innocence like raw meat in a lion’s cage. For the first time since Shuu were a child, he feels genuinely vulnerable in the presence of another human being.

“So, will you do it? Or… Have you already fallen asleep?

“No.”

“No to what? You won’t do it, then?”

“No, I’ll do it.”

Shuu smiles, “Good, good…” He hums, lifting Nazuna up into his arms. Nito is too exhausted to fight it, he really could fall asleep in Shuu’s arms right now, but the post-embarrassment would truly kill him if he did. “I’m grateful, Nito. It is all thanks to you we’re gaining recognition in this forsaken and slovenly Earth.”

Nito chuckles, his breath burning at Shuu’s neck. How Shuu still sees so much potential in him baffles Nito. He can’t even dance in time with Shuu’s choreography, but his fantasy overpowers their reality. Maybe Nito is the one who should just forget all about the rules of the real world, and play into Shuu’s fantasy like it were how he were raised to as a child. When will this stop being better than being like the lazy scum that inhabits the rest of Yumenosaki? Is tagging along with Shuu’s ideals better than being second-rate?

“Are you happy, Nito?”

 _Ah, this question again…_ Nito muses. Even if he wanted to be honest, he wouldn’t know what to say. He’s drowning in a pool of his own lies, it’s too late for someone like him to learn how to swim and come up for air. He’d much prefer to suffocate than speak his mind to Shuu, not that the latter has ever done him any good before.

“Did you see anyone smiling in the audience the other day? If I’m not pleasing anyone, what’s the point of being perfect… Shuu?”

“Don’t call me by that name. The walls have ears you know, Nito?”

“Sorry,” Nito laughs, “I guess I’m not perfect after all.”

Shuu doesn’t honor Nito’s blasphemy with a response. He’s not certain of it, but he thinks he’s finally said something that might have genuinely hurt Shuu somewhere. Nito doesn’t understand all the minute details of Shuu’s past, but he can at least reconcile with his fears of losing something deeply important to him. Nito’s life had been so simple prior to meeting Shuu, it’s almost dispicable how much this boy has tainted him.

Angels can’t fall in love with humans, it’s nothing but poison in their veins to be tainted by such imperfected monstrosities despised by even God. They are shameful creatures to be pitied, but Nito stays none-the-less. He can’t image at all his life without Shuu, it’s almost more painful to fantasize about it than it is to return to a time before they’d met. He’s been so lonely all this time, so spiteful and disgusted with everyone in his vicinity, to let go of this human now would only be worthwhile in death.

Before he even has a chance to process all his thoughts, Shuu’s carried him all the way home. In the corner of his eyes he can faintly make it out, the old run-down Church they’d first met at. How nostalgic it feels, like home under that bright, white cross looming over their city. Nito tightens his grip around Shuu’s shoulders to speak the words he can’t say properly, his feelings lumped up deep in his throat. Not that he’d really need to ask either way. Shuu prefers being here more than his home, even if his elder's wrath inevitably comes in the morning either way. They’re hanging off a delicate balance, one that gives them everything they need at the risk of snapping at any moment. It’s cruel and unpleasant and perfect all the same, just as God’s love for them is. Uncertain and assured as their birthright, Nito wonders what the point of trying at all is, anymore.

 

Shuu delicately rests Nito on his bed. Though he lays him on his back expecting him to sleep, Nito is quick to sit himself up. It’d be uncomfortable to sleep in his practice uniform, but more than that, he can feel an agonizingly numbing pain spread out across his calf. He really is the definition of trying to hard, knowing they’ll be performing again just as soon… He would probably prefer to lose a limb or two before giving up on Shuu’s ideals.

For once, Shuu does take a seat at Nito’s side on his bed, running his fingers over the tibial crest of his leg. If there’s a mood right in the middle of being concerned and satisfied, Nito would say that’s the expression of Shuu’s face judging Nito’s hard work. Nito doesn’t bother to dispute him, whether it makes sense to him or not, he can relate entirely to the feeling of being right all along. He won’t kill Shuu’s joy telling him he’s wrong today, even if that’s his own cardinal sin weighing him down every morning he drags himself out of bed.

“Maintenance…” Shuu says, “Even pristine and perfect dolls like you break down, is that how it is?”

“I’m not a damn doll,” Nito says, hugging his knee, “Dolls don’t feel pain, do they?”

“Of course they do. They feel heartache and the agonizing pain of desiring to be alive and breathing… You are proof of this fact, are you not?”

He’s just wandering in circles debating with Shuu. The semantics stopped mattering a long time ago, he thinks. If it keeps Shuu’s mind on target with their goals, he doesn’t care to be called anything at all. Shuu’s whims, his desire to be an idol, are all he really has anymore, after all.

“Dolls are people who were once alive and now lost in purgatory,” Shuu says, rubbing the back of Nito’s calf in a comforting motion, more akin to a parent than a teacher. “When you have been cleansed of all sin, Nito, would you join me in Heaven?”

“I thought this was Heaven.”

“I’m not so perfect, Nito… Is this alone not proof of that?”

Nito smiles gently down at Shuu, hiding half his feelings behind his knees. Even when he looks so pure and kind, and he is to Shuu, Nito knows well enough now he’s none of those things. He’s just a person, after all. Even if Shuu never sees it, the lie is going to catch up with him soon enough. In some ways, it already has. He’s never thought there’d come a day Shuu would admit even he is imperfect and failing at even the simple act of trying. It’s just a one time deal from the Devil, though, and he’ll never reveal all the cards up his sleeve again. So, Nito chooses to take the hand offered to him, if only to keep from drowning one more day.

“I never believed in any of that stuff, anyway.” Nito says, falling back into his bed, accepting his muscle pain for what it is. He takes a deep, deep breath before continuing. “Don’t get wishy-washy about it now. Let’s make this our Heaven. It doesn’t have to be perfect.”

Those last few words, he doesn’t regret the m, but maybe Shuu as he is won’t accept them. He never often does, but just this once he doesn’t scold Nito for closing his eyes in his uniform, nor change out of his own to lay out next to Nito. He doesn’t make an effort to fix Nito any further, he hums the hymns Nito sang to call out to him in the Church they’d first met and Nito sings the verses back to him. It’s so comforting and warm to feel himself drifting off in Shuu’s arm that it inevitably turns around on him and begins to have him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. He’d like just to disappear from this world, or rather, go back and tell his past self not to fall in love with the Devil just for paying him the slightest bit of attention.

No one’s ever cared for Nito so much, he has no basis for what love is supposed to be like, or what friends are supposed to be like. When does friendship stop being enough?

Nito opens his eyes slowly, forehead pressed against Shuu’s, he knows Shuu isn’t sleeping but still he speaks in the same low manner as if he were. Just like their very first celebration, when Nito chose delicately the words to match the feelings in his heart. It seems sometimes words alone are never enough.

“Would it be weird if I kissed you?”

“If you have to ask, it’s probably weird.”

Nito chuckles at such a straight-faced answer from Shuu. He’d always thought if he asked something so cheesy that Shuu would act out with enthusiasm or resentment, but to his surprise he’s a lot calmer than Nito is just thinking about it. About kissing. He feels like a terrible person for being so weak willed. Angels and such, they aren’t supposed to love people. They aren’t supposed to feel anything at all for humanity, but he feels his own heart fluttering at just the words leaving his lips. He really is alive, he thinks. He has to remind himself often of the fact, that he’s alive and he’s stupid and he’s just a normal teenage boy. It’s the only thing that keeps him from following every one of Shuu’s whims, to dress him up as his doll.

This, too, may be the very last chance he’ll ever get to exert his will over Shuu. He doesn’t make light of that, not at all.

“I’m going to kiss you anyway.”

He’s so awkward, so much more awkward than he lets himself on to be. He has no clue how to make something like this feel natural, it’s not like he’s ever gone out flirting with cute girls or the likes. He hasn’t even gone out and made friends, Shuu is his first in every respect of the word, and somehow that in itself is sad and shameful to reflect on. If nothing more than because Shuu is in no way better yet so much superior to him in faking it as though he were.

It takes a long, long moment of pondering before Nito really commits to it. Resting his palm over Shuu’s cheeks with his fingers curled up around stray strands of hair, he doesn’t really pull him in as much as he naturally gravitates towards Shuu. It’s such a shy brush of Nito’s lips over Shuu’s, so preciously cute and endearing that Shuu almost breaks his leader-like character. He’s supposed to be his mentor, nothing more or less, but he can’t help himself with Nito. They can’t even have a normal conversation together, he’s always teasing him, saying such grandiose things without any meaning to them. Nito doesn’t understand him at all, he’s really clueless as to why Shuu acts the way he does but still he…

Doesn’t want to finish the thought. He distracts his stupid brain with stupid sensations instead. The tingle over his lips, the soft beating of his heart in his chest, the suddenly very prominent scent of his room pervading the scene. He’d never noticed before how distinct it were, and in a way, how awful it were. Between the smell of his pet and the smell of himself, it’s not really romantic at all, but it’s oddly perfect for the moment, too. He doesn’t at all recognize the scent of Shuu, maybe for his own pride more than anything else, but regardless of where his mind wanders the feeling is always discomforting.

Or rather...

“Ah, how embarrassing…”

Nito says it quite mechanically, but his actions do indicate a deep ingrained regret.

“Wh-Where are you going, Nito?”

He grabs a pillow off his bed, falling onto the floor face first without any further comment. He really is the same shy boy Shuu first fell in love with, absolutely mortified at the idea he’d act upon the feelings welled up in his stomach for such a long time. It’s not something he’d ever give weigh to ever, ever again, but it’s impossible to write off as anything but a confession lost in seven layers of inability to communicate. He’s cursing his own self out in his head. His own idiotic, stupid, foolhardy head.

“Ah… Nito, please don’t sleep on the floor. You’re going to hurt your back.”

The only response he gets is a groan out of Nito. In retrospect, it’s probably doubly embarrassing for him to be relinquishing his bed to Shuu as opposed to just kicking him out as is entirely within his power to do. Nito doesn’t have the brain power to think anymore, if he thinks he’ll only remember in excruciating details the sweet taste of Shuu’s lips or the prickling sensation of his hair outlining his head and that’s as far as he’d like to take the thoughts into his dreams.

No matter how much Shuu protests, Nito gives him the cold shoulder until he’s tired himself out enough to pass out, suffocated in the sweet embrace of his pillow.

 

“I don’t like interviews.”

Nito pipes up, his soft voice echoing throughout an empty clubroom. Maybe people used to come in to participate, but Shuu has such a presence it’s detrimental to human interaction. He’s the unofficial club leader, even though he’s just a first year he’s unbelievably passionate about such a girl’s hobby. Nito wonders why it’s him who’s still getting hit on by boys when someone like Shuu exists. It’s not like Nito makes an effort to act effeminate or anything. It’s Shuu’s doing, making him wear a dress on stage and sing as high, high, high as his voice will go. If he’s really hitting puberty, will all the idiot boys still flirt with him in the halls as if they don’t go to an all boys school? Maybe it’d be a blessing after all, to become a man.

“I don’t like talking to anyone, you know? I couldn’t help but worry about messing up and slurring my words. It was so awkward.”

Yet, just as if he were doing it to show off, Shuu hadn’t said a single absurd thing the whole time. He’s surprisingly professional when it counts, though he supposes he should already know that since they’ve been working so hard together. It’s been just over a whole year, now; the leaves are beginning to regain their colors after dying off in the autumn breeze. They’ve really made a name for themselves in such a short time. Nito admits, he didn’t expect them to even break out from the decay of Yumenosaki, they’re really not that talented.

But it feels nice. Nito feels rather good about himself, right now. There’s still issues, but the two of them are starting to talk more about difficult things. Nito’s starting to understand Shuu as a person, at least that’s what he’d like to believe. Shuu’s weird, but he’s not impossible, and that’s a comforting thought.

“Are you listening? Mentor?”

Nito pushes Shuu’s leg with his foot, but he’s still pretty much dead. Maybe interviews really do wear Shuu out. He’s not even sewing, or writing, or moving at all. Nito had been taking to work on their homework, but in the past hour he’s not really sure that Shuu’s even taken a breath.

Maybe Nito doesn’t actually know that much about Shuu.

“If you die here just because of an interview, I’m really not gonna mourn you, you know? I won’t even cry. I’ll be eternally grateful.”

Nito heaves a sigh, pushing himself out of his chair. It’s pretty normal for them to stay until the sun goes down, but it’s not really worth his time if they’re being unproductive, after all. He walks around the table to confirm Shuu’s actually alive, two gentle fingers on his neck.

“I don’t like one-sided conversations, Mentor.”

Nito runs fingers through Shuu’s short hair, pretty appalled by how close they’ve grown to be but never denying himself the sensation of touch. Shuu is a surprisingly soft person, fragile as glass and yet so sturdy. Sometimes, Shuu just likes to think, and Nito realizes how helpless he is with Shuu. How little he has to offer Shuu. He rests his chin on Shuu’s head, humming softly the only songs he can put his faith into, the hymn he’d first sung when he’d met Shuu.

It’s quiet and serene, Nito doesn’t even notice the sun go down. In a few months, they’ll be someone else’s senior. They’ll be trapped in the most awkward year of their lives, between innocent immaturity of freshmen and the wise, experienced years of seniorhood. They still have so much to offer the world, so many songs to sing, yet Nito can’t find any joy in the thought of moving forward. He can feel the Devil’s claws squeeze around his neck even as he sings the holiest of songs.

His voice is changing. He felt it on stage the day prior, as well. The heat of anxiety, the strength he’d put in to repressing it. Everytime he opens his mouth, his perfect, beautiful, Angelic voice cracks like an egg shell beneath his feet.

“What should I do?”

He bemoans, to no one in particular. If he holds on tight enough to Shuu, maybe they could simply die together here, without ever facing the reality that’s always been right behind them. It’s all culminating sooner than expected, he wonders how long it will take before the other students line up their shots at the targets on their back.

If Nito can’t sing, what will Valkyrie do? He doesn’t have an answer for it, but he’s certain Shuu will. He’s certain that’s what he’s been thinking about today, deep in his thoughts from morning to afternoon. He hasn’t eaten since Nito first came to walk with him to school, he hasn’t moved from the clubroom even an inch. How does Shuu survive like this? An enigmatic being, an ephemeral and inhumane monstrosity…

Perhaps it’s not Nito who’s at fault at all, but Shuu who’s holding them back.

“Mentor,” Nito says, the crack in his voice just this once stemming from the tears he’s holding back in his throat. “I need to be home before dinner, you know? I don’t want to walk home alone.”

Nito doesn’t expect much from his words, and he starts when Shuu does respond, placing a hand over Nito’s cheek. He tilts his head back to look at him, a blank stare that still feeds disappointment looking forlornly at Nito. For what feels like eternity plus a minute, Nito wallows in that despair, lost without anyone to give him guidance, not even the one who’d promised it. But it fades quickly, with a smile, and a nod of Shuu’s head.


	8. Someday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I wrote Shuu in a sympathetic way. I have maybe 6 different versions of this chapter that represent many different perspectives I took on Shuu(Nazu) over time. I've gone between loving shnz, hating shnz, being indifferent to shnz, but I think more importantly is that... I have a tendency of writing shnz when I'm dealing with my irl difficulties so I tend to project a lot. When I started writing this fic, I also ended up writing a lot of myself and my relationship of the time into it. I tried to present it in the most realistic way possible without making it seem romanticized or whatever. Shrugs. Things will get better later, my promise.

Shuu is just like how Nito imagines God to be. Terrifying, and grotesque, and stubbornly unchanging. He’s all powerful, all mighty, and all but good hearted. Picky and arbitrary, that this killing is sinful but this killing is blessed, and he hadn’t expected anything less than this.

“Again, Nito!” Shuu slams his hands against the table infront of him with a strength Nito never knew Shuu were capable of. “Please, try it again, Nito!”

His voice reeks of desperation. It doesn’t matter if he sings it one time more or one hundred times more, the result will remain the same. Rather, it’s probably more damaging for him to keep trying to appease Shuu, his throat hurts about as much as his legs and feet had the nights prior. Whatever progress was there has been buried once more in Shuu’s dreams, his ideals, his endless fantasy that can never be upheld.

Nito wants to be with Shuu in an eternal love, but it just keeps falling apart with every block he places to build their paradise up. Shuu’s desire for something perfect, it’s so impossible that someday he really will hurt himself trying so hard. To be God, it’s such a lonely existence, because no one will ever be so perfect to make it to Heaven on forgiveness alone.

“I wrote this song just for you… Nito, can you not see? It is exactly in tune with your range, I am certain you can do this, so for me…”

Shuu falls into his chair, gripping his head with the most pained expression Nito’s ever seen in him. He can’t help but feel like he’s wasted Shuu’s time entirely, like he’ll never be cleansed in the fires of purgatory any longer. He’s too unclean to be in his presence at all, there’s nothing he can do to go back and change this, is there?

How stupid of him to be fretting about the past, as though he wasn’t aware-- They both were. If he’d only thought to stop it, stop himself from growing old and changing any further. Would Shuu have been happy, then? Has Shuu ever been happy with him?

Nito grips the paper in his hand, looking down at it some more as though his scrutiny will translate into sounds within his range. He doesn’t even know what that range is, anymore, or what it’s going to become when his voice is comfortably changed. If he could practice with that, it’d never satisfy Shuu, his mind is obsessed with the unchanging and simple ways of the past. Shuu could never accept this Nito, and somehow that thought sinks Nito’s heart.

They’re such sweet words, on paper. So poetic and endearing, but they aren’t born out of love. Shuu loves a concept of Nito he can never be, and Nito loves a concept of Shuu that was never there to begin with. It’s so silly to cling to, but Nito can’t help himself.

He wants to be with Shuu in Heaven, that’s what they’d agreed to. He’d do anything to preserve it, now.

“I did this just for you. Where am I going wrong?”

“Mentor, I–”

“No!” Shuu stands to shout. “Don’t speak. Don’t speak anymore to me! It’s sickening.”

Nito’s not one prone to feeling shame, but there’s a lot of feelings he never knew he were capable of before loving Shuu. Inferiority, devotion, agony, passion, frustration, and desire… They’re all neutral feelings when he lists them out in his mind, but applied to his feelings for Shuu they speak for a very different tune. But he’s never felt regret, not once, and not yet, now.

Not yet.

“You! Everytime you speak, it is appalling. Your beauty is of Heaven but when you speak it is like Satan whispering to me…”

Nito’s never had a reason to be afraid of Shuu, but watching him fall apart right before his eyes over something so simple is concerning. What is he supposed to say? Something more to sicken Shuu? He’d never thought his voice would be so grotesque to Shuu. Yet, as it were, for someone who prides himself in his perfection, perhaps even God has his breaking point. The only things that could possibly stand at God’s side must also be perfect, isn’t that right? But Nito is as human as they come, all Shuu can do is keep on covering up his flaws. Layer after layer, eventually Nito will suffocate under it all.

If only Shuu could see it, too. Nito hated it, too, he really did. Humanity, and all those simple people going about their days in pride and sloth without any push for pull in their souls. He’d wanted to hate them all, too, but he’s just like them. He’s only human, no matter how much he’d denied it before, he’s only human after all. Doesn’t Shuu want to be human, too?

“Le… Let me try again, Mentor, I–”

“Stop talking!”

Shuu’s voice, reverberating against every wall of the room with nothing but the utmost disdain, is something Nito can’t forget. It’s terrifying, how insignificant Nito truly is. His throat is parched, tightening up against his will. He can’t even begin to make a sound, it’s so painful he can’t even breath.

Has he… stopped being Shuu’s precious doll? Rather, if he speaks, will Shuu throw him away without hesitation? Did he ever think he would fear those things, he wonders. Did he ever want to be Shuu’s most precious doll in the first place?

“All that I desire, it is right here in my Eden, Nito. I am not so foolish to fall for the tragedy of love, not at all. Our Paradise will be eternal, for that I need you to promise me you absolutely will not speak again.”

“I…”

“No, no. Just nod your head.”

Ah, how difficult this boy is. Yet, no matter how Nito frames this, he can’t justify denying Shuu’s desires. Somehow, it feels as though he really has nowhere else to go. He doesn’t want to give up on being an idol, not after all this.

The apple is so close to him. He’s weary, starved, throat parched and desperate and this apple is such a lovely shade of red. His beauty reflects perfectly against its skin, but he won’t fall to that temptation. Because Nito Nazuna is perfect, and he’ll do anything to assure that.

He nods his head, without ever realizing the Devil is right here in front of him playing hard to get.

 

Doll’s are terrifying. He’d felt that way before, but now the uncanny sensation of being surrounded under their watchful eyes as though he were one as well is rather ethereal, in a sense. Like Heaven and Hell had swapped roles. He was never in purgatory, he’d confused it for Lucifer’s will, and now he’s in what would better be described as a horror film than Shuu’s home.

Home is too soft a word for it. Nothing about Shuu’s house feels home-y to Nito. It never has, but today it feels extra unnerving, like a bug crawling underneath his skin. He shivers at the thought.

There’s so many of them, here, all handmade by Shuu’s grandfather. That’s a part of their business, one Shuu is both estranged to and complacent to all the same. In the moment, at least, he does put in the effort to make them clothes, even if it’s not really apart of his job. The actual production side of things isn’t much handled by them at all, it’s more like a hobby on the side of actually running the business, putting in effort to learning statistics and stocks and such money things.

Shuu is infatuated with them, the product, but not so much the number crunching and documentation. He has names for some of them, and others referred to only in titles. It’s a little odd, to Nito, but far from the weirdest thing he’s ever encountered. No, there’s lots of weird people like Shuu, they just don’t often reveal themselves to the masses of everyday people like Nito the way Shuu does.

There is one doll in particular that Shuu spends the most of his time tending to above all else. He spends about as much time with it as he does maintaining Nito’s good health. To Nito, it’s about like looking in a mirror. Is that really what his life is going to amount to? Becoming an honest to God doll like this stupid, rotten toy before him?

He feels oddly stupid for thinking those things. Nothing’s stopping him from walking out, now. In a few weeks, when they become second years, who’s to stop him from switching units? He could even form up his own with all the knowledge he’s built up with Shuu prior. In fact, he could even drop out if he really wanted to. There’s an endless number of doors before him, yet he keeps grabbing on to the same one expecting to find himself somewhere new. He never does, it’s the same room over and over again. Devoid and empty, with nowhere to go, what more could Shuu have to offer him now?

“Another member of Valkyrie,” Shuu says, meeting eyes with Nito, “That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Nito nods his head, although it’s really a thought they’ve both been throwing back and forth for some time now. They take up too much of the other’s energy, when it’s just the two of them. They can’t seem to find a healthy balance, between their individual needs and their mutual desire for one another. They’re really more akin to star-crossed lovers where the only adversary is one another.

“I had been searching for such a long time for you, Nito, but the fact remains there’s no one in this forsaken school to match my will.”

Nito nods his head once more, less in agreement and more just for the sake of acknowledgement. He’s not really used to it, choosing actively not to pipe up with snark to match Shuu’s straight-forward and emotionless statements. It wasn’t difficult at all to grow comfortable speaking to Shuu before. Nito’s never known anyone who he could speak to so easily as Shuu, and yet this is where they’ve ended up. Where has the time gone and taken them that their simple and fleeting happiness has blown away so soon?

It’s just the autumn before the spring, he thinks. If everything dies out here, that would be just fine, after all. Because spring will always come, in the end, it’s just how the world functions. No matter how self-destructive they become, the Earth will keep turning and turning, without a care in the world. If he holds onto the empty wish, then maybe…

Maybe, things don’t have to end in tragedy. Nito holds the thought close to his chest.

“I was thinking, perhaps I ought to spend time away from this place. To find what it is you’re looking for.”

Nito perks up his head, curious in nature but incapable of asking questions. Of course, a simpler part of him would prefer they go together, and make these decisions as partners they’re so called to be. But another part of him would rather remain here, and allow Shuu to do as he pleases to find the thing he’s missing, in the same instinctual manner he’d stumbled upon Nito the years prior.

Shuu has an excellent sense for people, even if he doesn’t see it that way. The one’s he deems as superior, like angels, they’re people who are so often overlooked by the rest of society. They’re strange people, lonely people, people with nothing left to live for. People like Shuu, who’d once himself needed protection from God’s cruel world as a child. Nito admires that much of Shuu, the empathetic part that wants only for peace for those who’ve already been deemed unworthy of kindness by their peers. But Shuu is human, too, susceptible to all their flaws. Greed, and jealousy, and narcissism and the likes, Shuu is only falling into his own chasm, and once he hits the bottom that will be the end of it for him. Forever, once they take the wrong turn into Hell, there’s never going to be a place for them to crawl out of.

That must be the role of dolls like him. There’s nothing to redeem from possessed plastic and beady glass eyes. He’d might as well just relish in this, their Valkyrie has gone from pure and righteous to pitiful disgraces. Though they haven’t fallen yet, their time will come, soon, Nito can feel it in his bones.

“Do not find yourself relishing in loneliness or fears, my dearest Nito. I am already certain of where I must look to find what it is we’re missing. Have some faith in me, just this once, won’t you?”

He speaks as though he could read Nito’s mind. In a way, he can, it’s true Nito’s lost most of his trust in Shuu in recent years. But as far as this very moment, Nito doesn’t mind much in one manner or the other. In the end, he’s certain it’s all going to collapse in the same manner. He nods his acknowledgement of Shuu just once more, before allowing his mind to drift away from this dreadful place into daydreams and peaceful memories from a life far out of his reach.

Whatever happened to it, he wonders? The love he’d once felt burning unbearably within him in the presence of Shuu is little more than a spark of a burnt out sparkler in his fingertips, now.


	9. Despite Initial Failure

Kagehira Mika isn’t afraid of anything.

Kagehira Mika stays up late at night to watch horror films in the dark. The blood and the death and zombies tearing away at innocent people's flesh. He’s ecstatic to see it, as though he’s watching his own misfortunes fall to pieces. He can see clearly when the world is encroached in that darkness, that he, too, is a monster ill-fit to live in this world.

Kagehira Mika is a bad child, who's done nothing but terrible things, who is nothing but terrifying, and small, and afraid. He feels his own soul leave his body, the dreadful sound of crows barking out rueful tales in such sulking voices. Their songs are undesirable, burdensome, carnivorous. They’re no better than vultures, but have such deceiving looks, and the glint of their eyes shoot like bullets through his skin.

“How odd.” A voice behind him startles him. Was he really so caught up in himself not to hear footsteps over all these dead leaves? Useless... That’s all he’ll ever be, the first to die in the film. “Did you put one eye in the wrong socket, I wonder?”

A man peers over him with an indecipherable look on his face, thoughtfully analyzing the reflection before him. What kind of a terrible person speaks so boldly to strangers? Reflexively, Mika covers one of his eyes. Terrifying... He must be...

“P... Please don’t stare at me..?”

Even when the entire world treats him as an oddity, he’s never found the voice to be intimidating. No, he’s nothing of the sort, just a child acting out of his own accord. He doesn’t understand emotions, how to feel and empathize the way others do. For all intents and purposes, he’s just another blank slate hanging on the wall. Shuu smiles at that.

“What a peculiar thing you are. Were you listening to the crows?”

Shuu does oblige to Mika’s wishes, looking up at the moon now as opposed to Mika’s face. Somehow, it’s disappointing, as there’s something weird about the way Shuu chooses to admire things. It’s weary, or rather, it’s fueled by empathy.

“What do you think it would be like, if the prince had met the black swan first?” Shuu offers a hand light as a feather to Mika. It feels like a dream, like Mika were a princess at the end of her wits, struggling to get away from some mysterious misfortune. Could someone so miserable, so despicable, ever ascend to Heaven? “No.” Shuu laughs, “What do you think happened, when God and the Devil first met?”

Mika doesn’t understand anything this awkward guy’s telling him, but there’s no harm in taking his hand. They’re are so soft, even when he pulls Mika up to his feet, his movements are so swift and meticulous. He’s thought this scene down to the very second, and wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if he’d let it hang like fruit now.

“I dunno?”

Shuu brings Mika closer, to his chest, leading Mika to dance with him. “You don’t know?”

“Should I?”

“Do you know how to dance?”

“No?”

“Do you know how to sing?”

“N-no?”

The more questions Shuu leaves at Mika’s feet, the less he feels like he knows. He can’t even remember why he came out all this way, if there was even something he’d wanted to accomplish coming out all this way. He’s so good for nothing, he can’t even get running away right, huh? His head is starting to ache.

“...How difficult could this possibly be? Just follow my lead. Are you truly as stupid as a bird? Are you listening?”

He raises his voice at the last line, visibly aggravated. It’s a very different face from the one he initially gave to Mika. Somehow, he wants to laugh, because this odd man isn’t very prince like at all, to be sweeping him off his feet like this.

“I told ya, I can’t dance. You’re the one bein’ stupid.”

Mika sticks out his tongue playfully. It suddenly struck him how much fun he were having, the games he’s used to playing are never so favorable. He’s taught young girls to dance, and drank airy tea for them, but that’s a costly endeavor for a boy. He’d never thought of such a thing when he were younger, when his face could pass either way, when there were only girls to be pleasing, but...

“Nnah–!”

A sharp turn guided by Shuu’s elegant grip on Mika steals his thoughts away from him. That’s right, there’s no need to wallow in his angst; he’s not a crow, but a princess right now. At the very least, he should be acting accordingly.

“I also ran away when I was a child.” Shuu speaks, gently like the autumn breeze, still keeping his eyes just a dash from looking into Mika’s. “I, too, was completely lost on where to go. Who I was destined to be, I was certain was not what my family desired of me.”

Just once, Shu betrays his promise and looks at Mika’s face. It’s not so handsome now, not as it will someday be, but has the ruggedness of a diamond buried deep in the ground. He looks like everything Shuu despises, like an apple reflecting back only himself. Something malleable, a child in desperate need of guidance, and one painfully stepping all over Shuu’s feet at every turn. How truly miserable is the swan who can’t even pirouette with grace.

“It seems absurd to me now, but at that time I wanted only to run to the person I loved. And then I’d realized that were no longer possible.”

Mika looks down at his feet. He doesn’t really get it, but he’s got an image in his mind, at least. One not particularly pleasant, but not particularly melancholic either. Shuu really doesn’t seem that old or anything, but Mika’s starting to look up to him more like a parent with an unfathomable wealth of knowledge. Mika had been ignorant enough to throw himself away, tonight, but Shuu’s already saw through that. He’s treating him like something special even though he’s just a trashy old crow with broken wings. When they reach the climax of their little impromptu show, Mika feels he can put all his trust into this person, even if it’s poison in a wine glass.

“Once, Jesus, as well, had been lead into the wilderness to be tested by the Devil. Such a humbling role, is it not? If you are so lost that you’d run out into the cold just to be human, why not come along with me?”

It’s so much to take in in such a little amount of time. Like an exam he’s neglected to study, Shuu throws thought after hopeless thought into Mika’s lap. He follows Shuu, hand in hand, just as a child clings to their mother. Mika blinks, once. Twice. Three times. When he opens his eyes, that time, it occurs to him this may very well be the very beginning of his life. This person, guiding him home, to a place he might belong... He was never a crow at all, just a chick longing to flee his nest.

“Itsuki Shuu. That is my name. And you?”

Mika is silent for such a long time, deaf to even the white noise pleasuring their ears in the still of the night. It would be a tragedy to have two princesses without a voice, in no time at all Shuu is shaking Mika’s hand to return his attention to this world. Regardless, Mika can’t seem to think of anything at all, giddy and fearful all the same, it hasn’t even occurred to him this might constitute as kidnapping at this point.

“Then you are nothing more than a crow after all. How will Nito respond to this temptation, I wonder?”

 _Nito...?_ Another mystery to unravel. Maybe he has found himself in a rather odd horror film, after all. Or is Nito the one who is...

And now he’s bordering on prying. Even in the safety of his thoughts, he feels bare to Shuu, like he’s digging too deep into fog. Is that where he’s being guided to? A place that might reveal everything to him? A town that lacks any secrets? Mika laughs under his breath at the thought, but it wouldn’t be so far off the mark, he’ll soon find.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many times have I gotten to write Shuu and Mika meeting, and I always use the same exact line everytime... I love that line so much. It's the only canon information I put in all my fics, because of course Shuu would say that to Mika, why wouldn't he. lmao  
> 


	10. A World of Madness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "this isn't mika sneaking into a yumenosaki live to do a sliding dogeza asking shu to be his mentor, but its its own very funny image"  
> "SLIDING DOGEZA IS GOOD AS HELL TOO when mika said he met shuu in a garbage dump i thought shuu was dumpster diving in osaka lmao"
> 
> title is a silent hill song i was listening to proofreading

Nito does what he can to ignore the sounds of scraping things thrown against his window. Not that he’s been sleeping or that he’s comfortable where he is. Rather, he’s entirely used to being on the same wavelength as Shuu, that maybe they really are just one soul that’s been split in half. Whenever Shuu’s doing something foolish, Nito feels it, too. Avoiding it isn’t going to make Shuu go away, it just has him trying all the more to be as obnoxious as possible.

He crawls out of bed sluggishly, dropping down to the front door beckoning Shuu inside, but he’s baffled to see Shuu isn’t all on his own this time. 

“Nito, I have a glorious gift for you.”

Shuu sings it like Nito is supposed to be pleased with him. It’s not like he’d asked for this, maybe in passing conversations had they thought they needed another friend, but it’s not something he’d asked for in the middle of the night to be dropped off to him. Shuu’s terrible, in that way, incapable of treating humans like humans at all. 

“Consider it an act of forgiveness. Take care of this one for me, won’t you?”

_ It’s not like I have a choice, is it? _

He wishes he could talk back, but that would just add to his troubles. He hasn’t really had much of a desire to speak at all, since the day he’s voice really started to change. To his friends, or his parents, or strangers on the streets… He doesn’t know at all what to say to them, that when the words finally do begin to form he loses touch with how to vocalize them. It takes too much time to speak, he just nods his head in half-baked agreement. 

“How divine. This truly is a banquet for the damned. For my Valkyrie to have turned into something like this, are you satisfied, Nito?”

Nito doesn’t know what to say. For starters, he isn’t even sure if he’s happy with even this much. If his will to try and stabilize Valkyrie will have any merit at this point. They were already falling apart from the get go, to add in another factor to their broken mess of a unit is to try and solve all their lives problems with duct tape and glue. Maybe it was a good idea at the time, but now he’d accept nothing less than freedom in death.

He nods his head none-the-less, because it’s what Shuu expects, and takes the stranger by his hand to properly welcome him in. Shuu speaks fondly of his name, telling Nito everything he ought to know and leaving out plenty that he ought not to. As soon as Nito is given the window of opportunity, he sends Shuu off with silent farewells, closing his door with a sigh. 

When he’s finished brooding, he gives the boy a look over, bowing his head in a way to greet him. The boy is quiet and dumbstruck, tired and sleep walking his way into Nito’s life. It’s fine, to Nito, if he’d never have to deal with any of this and simply sleep forever away the mess Shuu’s left at his doorstep. He’s always doing that to Nito, expecting his angel to clean up after him all the sins Shuu can’t bear to put up with. 

He’s unbearably selfish, but so is Nito, and that’s what makes them the perfect partners, he feels. They’re the same brand of childish, spiteful people. The only people they can seem to love is eachother, but Nito doesn’t stop himself from making the effort to find endearment in this child Shuu’s left for him as a gift. To hate everyone, and perform only as a doll on Shuu’s meticulous stage, that is his Heaven. That is the role he’s so desperate to grasp on to, to become wholly one with.

For Shuu. For himself. And now, for this wretched little thing.

“Nnahh– Wh-What are ya…”

The boy jumps at the sudden touch from Nito, but he doesn’t retract. Nito mindlessly pats his head, gentle when he tangles his fingers in the boy’s very messy hair. Nito is lost in the boys empty gaze, that even if they’ve both lost something so vital, they can find comfort in eachother’s quirks. This boy is odd, his eyes are unnatural and he has a terribly discomforting aura around him. Nito is mute, and cruel, and painfully judgemental, but he doesn’t have to fear those thoughts anymore. He doesn’t have to fear anything at all, now, not so long as he continues to please Shuu. His mentor. His leader. 

If Nito and Shuu are one soul in two bodies, Nito and Kagehira are two halves of the same bodily existence.

“Nazuna.” Nito speaks dryly. “Please, call me Nazuna.”

 

Nazuna is a humble person. He doesn’t pride himself over being early to class, or skipping breakfast just for the sake of doing so. He’s only as excellent as the effort he puts in, after all, and even after that he’s only worth pennies beside his peers. Compared to Itsuki Shuu, he’s just a puppet hanging off his strings. There’s nothing to admire about him.

Despite this, this odd child Shuu’s dropped in his lap has done nothing but act admirable of him. He’s so positive and curious, yet so worn down he hadn’t managed to stay up long enough to inquire much more than the basics. If they’re really idols. If they’re really famous. If Nazuna could sing a song for him. He denies that last request, but does give Mika the benefit of hearing the songs they’ve released, playing CDs of times before Nazuna’s voice had changed. From a time where Nazuna could do anything and more. Mika is awed enough by it.

He makes the most adorable noises in his sleep, like an endearing little pet, Nazuna feels like he’d be doing something unjust by waking him up. He’d put it off long enough, getting out of bed and dressing himself, starting breakfast and even dusting off shelves he’s neglected between school and idol business. He’s only delaying the inevitable, just the same as how he’s thought to delay Mika’s fate in being wrapped up in Shuu’s mess. Shuu and Nazuna’s mess, he supposes, there’s not reason to deny his faults in any of this. Even looking at himself in the mirror, there’s something odd about his face he can’t express in words. A crack in his perfect skin, a mar on his unstained beauty. The things Shuu used to love about him, they’re like claws piercing into his wrists, holding him back from growing any further than this.

Nazuna can’t stand to look at himself any longer. 

He sits on the edge of his bed, shaking Mika’s shoulders until he softly opens up his eyes. He’s entirely out of it, still, overtaken by the desire to sleep in after such a long night of being dragged away from his home. He’d be hard pressed to call it kidnapping when he’d agreed to it, of course, but he’s not sure he’d really meant to run so far away, either. Nito doesn’t give him the opportunity to fall back into his dreams. He lifts him up by his arms, sitting him up until he responds with words, despite not giving him any words of his own.

“Alright, alright, I’m up~! Please stop shakin’ me around, uhh.. Na… Nazu, right?”

“Nazuna.”

Nazuna corrects him with a great deal of spite, but in truth he barely recognizes himself by his first name. Nobody seems to call him that at all, save for his own family.

“Yeah, yeah… Nazuna. Sorry.”

Nazuna nods his head affirmatively, and Mika can’t help himself from finding him adorable as the children he often spent his days with back at home. Put in that manner, it makes it sound like he’s been gone for years, or that he’s no intention of going home, but in truth he didn’t plan to stay for even breakfast. He’s such a burden wherever he goes, he thinks, if it’s not to his own parents it’s to someone else’s. 

He supposes he’s still a child, too, after all. He’d just rather not be.

Nazuna has a thought at the same time, and guides out Mika’s hand with little effort, setting down his phone gently in Mika’s palm. Somehow, Mika feels like if he even flinches then Nazuna might fall apart at his touch, so he remains breathlessly still. Mika is rugged where Nazuna is fragile. Just like a doll, even the way Nazuna moves is stiff and precise.

“Call your parents.”

He doesn’t really think to elaborate on his thoughts, he simply gives Mika the opportunity to accept it or don’t. He’s quick to leave his room again, probably tending to his own chores and home duties Mika wouldn’t have much to comment on. It’s true, after all, that Mika hadn’t said a word before leaving the night before. It’s not like he really intended to run away forever, but...

If he was still in his hometown, he wonders if he would have gone back by now. If he would have come back before his parents ever noticed he were gone, or if he’d really commit to a life on the run. He is such a terrible burden on them, after all. He always has been. In fact, a call like this really just adds to his parents troubles, he can’t even begin to remember the numbers to his house phone. Everything just seems to blur together as he stares into the empty black screen.

Mika jumps when he feels the light touch of a wet nose against his ankle.

“Nn... Ahh.... Uh... Rabbit?”

Mika looks up, and he finally starts to take in Nazuna’s room. It’s somewhat childlike, there’s so many cute little animal figures and CDs and the likes. And so it is, there’s an open cage in the corner of the room, with equally cute, colorful blankets to match. For as difficult a person Nazuna is to read, he’s actually quite adorable, isn’t he? Mika smiles, he doesn’t know if it’s in his place, but he decides to pet the little rabbit for a while until he forgets his worries.

“Call.”

Yet again, Mika is startled by Nazuna’s sudden presence.  _ There’s definitely something wrong with this guy, _ he thinks. He has no presence whatsoever, and speaks so cryptically only once every so often, if even that. When he speaks it’s emotionless, simple phrases that might as well be from an alien species. So awkward, he thinks, Nazuna is so awkward. 

“Ahh... Well, it’d be more troublesome if I called from a strange number, huh? I should probably just head back.”

He laughs this whole ordeal off as though it were nothing special, but Nazuna doesn’t seem all that amused. He hasn’t seen a single shift in Nazuna’s expression since they met, actually. He shakes his head, speaking much more sternly than before, and slowly.

“Call.”

So Mika obliges, and Nazuna doesn’t budge until he’s finished punching in the numbers of his moms’ phone. Nito leaves after the fact, for what Mika can only assume is privacy’s sake. After four or so long, arduous rings having him feel blessed, someone does finally answer. 

“Hello?” A stern woman’s voice, one that sounds strained to speak at all. She must have been working real late, and here Mika is being a burden again. Of all the possible times he could have bothered to run away from home.

“Mom?”

There’s a long, dead silence over the phone. Mika wants so badly to hang up the phone, to never have to deal with the consequences of his actions, but to his surprise he’s only greeted with a relieved sigh.

_ So you’re safe after all, are ya? Thank goodness. _

Despite everything, he smiles.

The conversation isn’t long, but it’s pleasant enough that Mika promises to be home before dinner. It’s a pretty long trip to get back home, but he doesn’t mind the added time to think over things. He still can’t seem to remember why he thought this was a good idea at all, but he’s grateful for the kindness of the two that picked him up. Shuu and...

“Nna–”

Nazuna grabs Mika’s wrist, pulling him forward with all the strength he can muster. It’s not enough to actually will Mika forward, that takes context and a very expectant glare.

“S-s-sorry? You want me to leave now, huh? I’m really overstayin’ my welcome, ain’t I?”

Mika laughs so painfully awkwardly it’s difficult for Nito not to want to break his promise and yell at this kid. He was already a quiet kid growing up, he’d never thought losing his voice would be such a hassle. He curses Shuu in his head for having such a strong, unnerving presence.

“Are... Are ya mad?”

Nazuna pulls Mika again until he follows, and belatedly he shakes his head  _ no  _ as they exit the room.

“Oh... Good...”

Mika isn’t sure what to say, so he doesn’t bother trying. It’d probably just make Nazuna more angry at him, anyway. He doesn’t wanna make his host mad, after all, or rather it’s the last thing he would do when he doesn’t have any money to be going home with. That thought only just occurred to him.

To his surprise, he’s not being dragged to a door, but a chair. When he takes his seat, with awkward apologies strewn in all his movements, he notices before him the cutesy breakfast he can only assume Nazuna’s made for him. So, his cuteness extends even to the food he eats, huh? Mika smiles softly, taking to the silverware placed in front of him.

Nazuna pats his head again, and somehow it eases all his nerves just a bit. It’s something so simple, so gentle, like he’s family Mika’s never been blessed to meet. He wonders if that’s a weird thing to think about someone he’s just met, but then he thinks back to Shuu the night before. For a brief moment, he wonders if Shuu also sees him as family. In that case…

“Nazuna.”

Mika’s eyes shoot up as though it were his own name being called. It’s the first time he realizes the two of them aren’t alone, not at all. Guess it would have been stupid to believe Nazuna lived by himself, but Mika hadn’t really considered what kind of parents Nazuna would have. Does he have siblings, too? Grandparents? Suddenly, Mika’s letting his eyes wander with his mind, as if the answer will reveal itself to him.

The sharp sound of crinkling newspaper as the page is being turned returns Mika’s eyes to the woman who initially spoke up. She looks a lot older than Mika might expect for a parent, and come to think of it Nazuna looks much younger than Shuu did. They can’t really be the same age, can they?

“Is this another one of your weird friend’s antics.” She takes a drink before continuing, taking an austere glance to her son. “We’re not a shelter.”

Nazuna nods, a gentle and angelic like smile forming over his lips.  _ Ahh _ , Mika lets out an audible and indiscernible sound.  _ This must be what Shuu was referring to _ .

 

Their ride from Mika’s hometown to Shuu’s was mostly spent in silence, but he wasn’t left totally in the dark. Shuu does have some benevolent nature to him, telling him all kinds of seemingly irrelevant things. What he was even doing that evening, it would seem Shuu is not some deranged stalker or anything of the sorts. Nor is he an angel that’s come down to free Mika of his worries, but a child just like him. Attending school, fretting about his future and looking to please his parents; Shuu seems so normal when he’s talking about mundane things. It’s unfortunate that communication never translates to more extravagant topics. 

Shuu does tell him about Valkyrie, about being an idol, and about Yumenosaki. But mostly, regardless of the subject, he only ever seems to talk about…

“Nito,” Shuu hums lackadaisically. “My most precious thing. He has always been the apple of my eye, my prima donna, however…”

For a moment, Shuu looks forlorn, like there’s something he wants to say but can’t spit out. Mika is not intent on prying. To be frank, he’d rather be sleeping. 

“You, as well, should become an idol.”

That, however, wakes Mika right up.

“Ahhh… Idol?”

“Yes. An idol.”

Mika’s never even considered this as an option before. He can’t even handle the people back home staring at him and all. Even the simple task of ordering food becomes a hassle for Mika to do alone. An idol, he says? Mika?  _ Really? _

“I told ya I can’t sing or nothin’. D’ya even listen?”

“No, I don’t. Nito says the same thing to me often. I believe if you spend time with him, however, you will come around to the thought.”

A soothing peace fills the dead air before Shuu says any more. Mika would be content to try again to sleep, but Shuu never grants him enough time to rest his eyes. “No,” He speaks, with the utmost of pride. “I’m certain you will accept. Moreover, I…”

For the first time, Shuu actually looks bashful, almost nervous. It’s not exactly a rare sight, or anything, but Mika finds it very endearing regardless. Everything Shuu does has a pleasant air to it, in Mika’s very humble and very clingy opinion.

“My parents do not allow stray kittens in our house, you see. As always, it is best to leave these things in Nito’s care.”

Mika laughs, leaning his head over Shuu’s shoulder.  _ Ah _ , he thinks.  _ So neither of us planned for this after all, huh? _ And Shuu seemed so professional up to this point, too!

There’s a significant difference between Mika and Nazuna. Shuu sees it clearly yet never gains the ability to accept it years down the line. Where Nito truly had accepted his own talents to become an idol, Mika fails to. He is a failure in the truest sense of the word, following along not for fame or glory or to even improve himself, but simply to experience this precious moment of his life with Shuu. 

“Okay.” Mika says warmly into the soft fabric of Shuu’s clothing. “Sure. Sure… An idol, huh? What would all the guys back home say to that, huh? Kagehira Mika… An idol!?”

 

He has to admit, he’s not  _ really _ sure, actually. Nazuna definitely hasn’t swayed him to their cause with his so elegant palate of fine convincing words, or anything. On the contrary, he hasn’t even figured out if Nazuna likes him or not.

“What’s your name?”

It takes some time for Mika to react to being addressed. It’s not until Nazuna shoves he shoulder a bit that it strikes him how rude he’s being. His face is stuffed, he hadn’t eaten much in the day prior, he’s probably being far too comfortable for his own good. Still, nobody seems to pay him any mind, really. Nazuna’s mother hasn’t looked at Mika once. 

“M-Mika… Kagehira…. Uh, that is… It’s…?”

He can’t seem to get his words together, but Nazuna’s mother is used to that. Maybe the familiarity has helped a bit clearing the tense air absorbing Nazuna’s household. “Mika, is it? What a cute name.”

“Th… Thank ya…” 

Mika smiles softly to himself, finishing the rest of his breakfast and giving his thanks once more to Nazuna’s parents. Probably more than really necessary, but it makes up for the past year Nazuna hasn’t, and they seem to indulge in that for a while. It only serves to tire Nazuna out, reminded of his own lack of worth at every turn, he pulls extra hard at Mika’s wrist towards the door.

“Nnaa… ‘M sorrrryyy…!”

 

Nazuna continues to drag Mika around, seemingly aimlessly until they stumble upon the elegant gates of a very out of place house. Mika’s struck with a sort of hick-level of awe, a true fish out of water type. He stares with wide eyes, humming cutesy tunes waving his arms about.

“S’pretty~ S’this where… Whadya call ‘im? Mentor?”

Nazuna smiles to himself, bringing a hand up to the gate and intertwining his fingers between the gaps.

“Yea… He prefers being called that.”

“Ah, yeah talked again? How come y’don’t talk more, huh? Are ya afraid a’me?”

Nazuna shakes his head without much thought. He’s honestly getting rather comfortable not speaking. Forming sentences is a lot more difficult than kids make it out to be when they learn their first words. It’s not that he doesn’t have the words to speak his mind, but the lack of use is decaying his throat, slow and surely. He wonders what will become of him when he really loses it completely, the ability to speak. 

Will he still be able sing?

“Good morning, Nito! My apologies, I kept you waiting again, but I was… Well, it’s of no concern to you.”

Shuu waves his hands to dismiss his own thoughts, opening and exiting the gate before them. He rests his hands on Nito’s shoulders, just to see him up close. To judge him. It’s not uncommon, but always discomforting, and another reason for Nito to hate seeing Shuu but there’s never any real bite to that disdain.

“Nito, did you forget your bag?”

Somehow, that does catch him off guard. He’d been in such a hurry to get Mika out of his house, maybe he did forget to grab that. What a hassle, he hates to think for even a second that he’s as scatterbrained as Shuu is.

“Ahh… That was my fault, huh?”

Nito shakes his head, but not loud enough to keep Shuu from intervening, it would seem.

“That’s right. Take responsibilities for your actions, Kagehira, for we do not learn without first admitting our faults, you see?”

“Yeah, ‘M sorry. ‘M kind of a dunce so I didn’t really get what Nazuna wanted, huh?”

Nazuna shakes his head, again, more aggressively this time, but nobody really seems to pay mind to his voice on the matter. He starting to feel like a bully, which he supposes isn’t super inaccurate. As it turns out, socially awkward people are much worse without a voice, but he probably would have had too much pride to admit his faults and apologize to Mika in the first place.

“It’s no matter, let us focus on the most important matter of today.” Shu says, grabbing Mika’s hand and pulling him forward. He’s starting to think he might actually get plenty taller the way these two have been dragging him along. “Of course, we shall enroll you right away, so that you might join us in Valkyrie! That our greatness shall expand like this…”

“H-hey, hang on a minute! I-I’m not even a high schooler yet?”

“I remember. I did listen to you last night, but the year is nearly over, is it not?”

“Shouldn’t I ask my parents first?”

“There will be plenty of time for that, you’ll still have to take the exams to get in, and so…”

And so, without any more words it had been decided. Mika Kagehira would be an idol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i also ran away from home as a child. i slept outside at an abandoned school park after having a fight with my mom. i felt like shit the whole time, and then i called her in the morning with the last remnants of my phone battery and cried even though things were okay without me ever saying anything. that was what i was thinking writing this chapter.  
> i was wrong about shuu's first meeting with nazuna and mika. was i the only person who just assumed they met outside of school? Probably.


	11. Intermission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a short thing I wrote in the fic, but it didn't really fit anywhere so it's here lol  
> Intermission.... I always liked the concept of writing a work that had breaks within it. Also from the Drakengard upbringing.... Well, that was the thought process anyway. There was another thing like that, but I think I scraped it altogether lol decide later... I'm still making changes now. It's been years!! I can't wait to be done!! When I was proofreading, I couldn't help but think about how bad this is lol I've changed so much... But I didn't change anything because I'm lazy so maybe I haven't changed at all lol... Hopefully it's still enjoyable to somebody. Excuse me......

“Huh? Are ya interested in what I’m making.”

Nazuna doesn’t respond, but looks up expectantly at Mika. Mika laughs uncomfortably, he’s still pretty embarrassed about this. About sewing, and about speaking with Nazuna. They haven’t known each other very long, but they’re forced to be on the same wavelength for their Mentor. Truthfully, it’s their equal faith in him that keeps them steady, but how long that will last is as uncertain as whether or not they’ll wake in the morning.

“I-It’s, uh... It’s nothin’ really, yet? I never really sewed before, but Mentor invited me to his club and all so I figured I should practice the basics... It’s the same for you, ain’t it?”

Nazuna shakes his head  _ no _ .

“That so, huh..?”

They’re terrible at picking up the awkward silence hanging over the air. Or rather, Nazuna is banned from doing so and Mika’s never had to. It’s funny, really, Nazuna thought he might be more rebellious with Shuu not being present, but the fear of replacement is a lot more...

Nazuna tugs again at the fabric, in essence, a means to distract himself.

“What is it?”

He doesn’t even bother to give Mika a passing glance. His mind is always busying itself with pointless thoughts, so much so he’s long forgotten he weren’t alone in this room. It’s no longer just Shuu he’s left to cater to, but now Mika, as well. Is he really good enough to be someone’s senior? A year’s passed him and Shuu by so suddenly, but he still feels like he knows nothing more than he did prior. 

“Do you... Do you not like me?”

Nazuna glares at him, which is probably not the best expression to make to express pleasantries. Nazuna’s not sure he’s ever liked anyone, actually, but he’s surprised himself to feel he enjoys Mika’s presence with them. They’ve started to become like a little family, Shuu, Nazuna, and now Mika, as well.  _ A family _ , Nazuna reiterates. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Nito pulls again at the fabric, like a child asking for attention to his thoughts Mika hasn’t caught onto at all. Although, he is improving daily, little by little he’s starting to pick up on Nito’s odd and out of touch manner of speaking. Mika is equally anti-social, although not exactly by choice like Nito and Shuu are. He gets the ideas they have about humanity, even if his is much kinder.

“Ahh... Nnah??”

Mika, for what little talent he has in the way of singing, is incredibly talented in making surreal sounds to express himself. Much more than words. Nazuna wonders if he could get away with that, too. If it counts as speaking, or if it would be just as unpleasant to Shuu. It’s not like it matters much either way, he’d agreed to this life, after all. 

Mika scrutinizes his work that Nito’s been toying with. It’s not totally terrible or anything like that, but more like sloppy and lopsided. It’s beautifully designed, but improbable for wearing. Something like that seems almost suited for him, though.

“I totally messed this up, huh? Shoulda paid more attention t’what I was doin’.”

Mika awkwardly laughs to himself as he rubs his head. It’s not like he expected greatness from the very first day, but it’s difficult not to feel a bit disappointed after bearing witness to all of Shuu’s lovely work. Nazuna sits up with a smile, patting Mika’s head gently.

“Thank ya. Yer real cute when ya do things like that, big bro.”

_ Ah… That’s different. _ Nazuna feels a blush creeping over his face. Reluctantly, he stops petting Mika, feeling like he’s done something wrong without ever making an error. This must be another price of perfection, he’s never satisfied with where he ends up being. 

“Aww, I am hated after all?”

Mika sings sweetly, leaning his head on Nazuna’s. He reminds Nazuna so much of Shuu, but without ever becoming so obnoxiously unbearable. Well, he’d like to argue about how uncomfortable he is, but all he can manage is a soft little smile.  _ Things don’t have to be so bad _ , Nazuna thinks. He wonders if it was a mistake to add a third component to their stage, if it’s helping at all, as the softness of his heart would indicate to him. He wonders, if it’s fair to treat Mika that way, like a dog for anxiety rather than a member of their troupe. They’re pointless thoughts that lead to nowhere, but pleasant in their concern.

In truth, he’s never been happier than this. To be seen his age, like a boy… An older brother, is it? Will he hold up to those standards for this precious child of theirs? The new goals he’s forming out of love, they’re driving him forward asking him to improve. To do anything at all to see it through, so that Valkyrie doesn’t fall to pieces anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH ! Please leave comments they are my life support that motivates me to keep posting these God awful abominations ....


End file.
